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[Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=5153 |
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Author: | Tevish Szat [ Sun Aug 03, 2014 12:26 am ] |
Post subject: | [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
Part 1
Spoiler
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Author: | Heliosphoros [ Mon Aug 04, 2014 10:10 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
Looking good thus far. Like the concept of the oldwalkers being driven to extreme measures after the Medning. |
Author: | Tevish Szat [ Mon Aug 04, 2014 9:29 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
Part 2
Spoiler
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Author: | Tevish Szat [ Tue Aug 05, 2014 1:11 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
Part 3 and finished!
Spoiler
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Author: | RavenoftheBlack [ Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:38 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
I have now read this, and I like it! I have to admit, it reminds me a lot of The Last Unicorn, which is not a bad thing, as I love that story, but the parallels are certainly there (including Cornelius's hat!). I like Mari, particularly in her unicorn form. I think you do an excellent job of highlighting her non-humanness. I think she may have taken to being human a bit too quickly, but that's not too bad a thing, ultimately. I like the hinted-at backstories you sprinkle in here. The Stranger is great, and her vaguely remorseful attitude toward her actions was great. I also really liked the hinted history of Rhonwen (Is that the Sweeper I detect there? hehe). All of the unknown history stuff was done very well, I thought. There are a couple of typos I noticed while reading:
Typos
The only complaint I have here is about the language. It seems for much of it that you are trying for a sort of archaic or maybe fairy tale type of voice. This is particularly noticeable in Part One with the line "She spoke to them carefully, and asked after their nature while here and there dispensing pearls of wisdom that little relevancy held to unicorns." The "little relevancy held" is particularly jarring. Now, that use of language is not, in itself, all that problematic for me, but when contrasted with lines like "the one who had first welcomed the Stranger onto their land felt it her responsibility to finally check the hut" one of them seems a bit out of place. I don't know why, but "check the hut," really stands out to me. It might just be me, though. Overall, though, I really enjoy this piece, and I think it serves as a very good intro story for Mari. I mean, I know her story with Aria is her actual "intro" story, but she's more of a foil there, whereas here I think she's a very effective "star." Nice work! |
Author: | Tevish Szat [ Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:52 am ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story][Mari Gwynn] Advent of a Planeswalker |
Thanks! Last Unicorn was certainly an influence. Cornelius's conical hat is both a slight nod and a bit of a tell of him being from a former age in the multiverse (since pointy hats are no longer kosher in magic art but were at the start of the game. As for Rhonwen's killer, the suspects include Sweeper, Tevesh Szat, a winged cephalid, and Great Cthulhu (or rather a planeswalker with that shape) I'll try to go after those typos later. |
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