For the record, this character could be useful as our second Jakkard native planeswalker, and just as a red 'walker in general. (AND expanding the race pool of our 'walker roster.) He needs some polishing, though, and so does the story.
Dariuss Misstal was out scrounging for food when it happened.
Admittedly, this opening line doesn't really grab my attention. I'm not really worried about "it" happening, since, at the moment, "it" is just this sort of nebulous nothing, because we are at the start of the story. Try describing "it" (which I assume are the gunshots) which could help consolidate a little space in the first paragraph! Shots rang out in the slums of
Verkell and vashino began to to pour out into the streets. “Down with the foxess! Down with Don Marco!” Dariuss was confused, he had not heard any open plans for rebellion, only small talk in back allyways, nothing to be taken seriously.
As a child, what is the likelihood he would actually be exposed to this? But he searched the ground and found a rusted pipe and picked it up. He could not let his brethren fight alone, after all. Freedom, Dariuss smiled at the thought.
Seems a little out of place with gunshots going on in the background. He is, after all, a child. Freedom can come AFTER he's done being afraid - after he's been rendered powerless and his freedom has been taken from him. Give him a reason to love freedom - don't just make him love it. While he lived a (relatively) safe life here in the city of Verkell, he would not call himself free. The Vashino had long suffered under the thumb of the foxes, forced into slums to scavenge for survival, unable to get good jobs or make a solid living for themselves. He relished the idea.
He rushed and joined his fellow vash,
Why would he be concerned about what the other races call them? This is being told from Darius' point of view - it needs to be tinted with Darius' personality and thoughts. Also, vash is just shorthand - I think they refer to each other that way as well. as the other races called them, and ran through the city, making their way to the center of town, and the mansion of the “top fox” Don Marco. But as the rabble
Again, he probably views his brethren in arms as freedom fighters and revolutionaries - not rabble. cross
ed into town square, they stopped. “Whatss wrong? Why have we sstopped?” Dariuss asked as he pushed his way up to the front of the group. What he saw both terrified and excited him.
Terror and excitement are - almost always - mutually exclusive emotions. You can get a thrill from being scared, but you can't be excited about being terrified. I also doubt Darius' ability to push through the adult viashino to the front of - what I assumed - was a large gathering of lizardfolk.Standing in the square was a group of people, mostly minotaurs, but some human and foxfolk as well. But the reason for stopping was not the people, it was what they were carrying. Each one held at least one pistol, some even two. Mercenaries, gunslinger mercenaries. The whole crowd was frozen in shock and fear. No one expected the foxes to respond this quickly. Then, a rather plump fox without a gun stepped to the front.
Don Marco. (Putting this on a separate line lets you pick out that this is an important piece of information. A few additional notes about the Don: First, he's more likely to just... not be here, and there really is no reason for him to be here. If they're attacking his manor, he'll stay inside. Second, if he IS here, he would be in the back surrounded by armed guards. No stepping to the front for him.)“Vashino of Verkell, you have brought chaos to our fine streets, and for that you well be punished. For those who lay down their arms now, you will mearly be sent back to the slums and have your taxes doubled”
This seems unlikely and cartoonishly villainous. Are they just going to DOUBLE TAX ALL THE LIZARDS??? ...Why id Don Marco even talking. He has all the power - he should just start the blood bath. It's for the greater good, after all. Where are those gunshots from earlier? Did the fighting stop just so Don Marco could deliver an ultimatum.
There are a few characters I know who could deliver a snappy speech, riding the coattails of their personality, during a free-for-all melee. Don Marco is not one of those characters.“Doubled!” someone yelled out from the crowd. “My family cannot afford the taxess now. We will ssurly sstarve to death!”
“... The rest
,” the Don continued, as if he
was not interrupted “will be executed for their unlawfulness and the disturbance of the peace.”
“NO!” Someone at the front yelled. “We will not be represssed any longer! Quick, sstrike now while he is out in the open!” (Don't forget to start a new line when a new person is speaking. Also - screaming your intentions is a good way to get your intentions, uh, found out. This is a mob, not a battallion - think of mob mentality. Guns or no, I think the disenfranchised viashino would just sort of... charge the gunmen.) With that yell, the crowed surged forward, and Don Marco quickly scurried back behind the gunslingers. “OPEN FIRE” he yelled. And bullets rang out
It was over soon after that.
Yes it was. You spend all this time building up to the crazy fight, and then there's no pay off. It just... falls away, and then we get this weird point of view shift to Don Marco, below, for no reason. Maybe have the viashino fighting tooth and nail, and maybe have them get ready to overwhelm Don Marco's guards - and then, boom! Angels.
Abellus' flight always was Marco's trump card. I think it would go a long way to show, really, how hopeless the fight for freedom really was - and drive home the idea that Darius craves freedom now more than ever.
Don Marco walked through the carnage of the town square, surveying his victory. “Boss!” Marco turned and saw two mercenaries dragging a young vash towards him. “This one’s quite the fighter. Took down old Cracked-Horn with just a rusty pipe before getting shot in the arm. Rax reckons he is the kid of one of the ringleaders.”
...More likely he just got beat over the head. A child viashino against a grown minotaur is not exactly a fair fight - how did he even take down the minotaur? We don't know - we just have this exposition. Again - fight scene. Do it, you can do it!!“Interesting, lets take him with us, find out what he knows. Don’t be to hard on him, he is only a child.”
Ringleaders? Darius thought as he was being dragged away. No, It
could not be... Sudden realization hit Darius. It explained everything, the nights where he woke up and
could not find his parents anywhere, and why he
had not heard of any rebellious talk. His parents were trying to keep him out of it. To keep him safe. All that effort, wasted now. Then they put the bag over his head.
And now we shift back to Darius. Why shift to Marco at all? Also, you're sort of putting a lot of rational thought through the mind of an injured and frightened child. When people are scared or hurt, they tend to exclude information that is not pertinent to their immediate well-being. Ringleaders? Who cares. Parents? Maybe something along the lines of "where are they, I need them, they make me feel safe". Darius is a Red character. Make him FEEL, don't make him think.When it was finally removed
We probably need some passage of time before it can be "finally" removed. It just gets put on then taken off in the text., he was strapped to a chair, what looked like in some basement. A tall, grim face human and a minotaur stood before him. “Well, are you going to talk, or is my friend here going to have to get rough?” The human asked.
“I ain’t got nothing to ssay to you.” Darriuss spit at the man’s feet.
Defiance should not be the top priority in Darius' lizard brain. A child cooperates. He can feel bad about it later - that he was willing to sell out anything he knew in order to avoid pain, and regain his personal freedom - and you can use those emotions of guilt and regret to push his character towards your intended developmental destination.
Really, so far you have all the great pieces of a really poignant survival story - something that shapes Daruis' worldview for years to come - but you're so focused on what he will be, that you're not focus on what he is NOW. A child. Scared, and alone. It's in THIS moment of weakness, where he gives up what lightly-formed ideals he has, that spurs him forward.“Brave kid, but very stupid.” He motioned to the minotaur. “Do your work.” The rest of that day Dariuss perceived in a bloody haze, split between the heavy punches of the brutes fist.
Wow. That minotaur punched him all day. How does he know it was all day? ...Why did the minotaur punch him ALL DAY? That's not how interrogation works, and I sincerely, sincerely doubt a child would not crack beneath the pressure. “He’s not talking.” Darius half heard before drifting off into unconsciousness, “He is
too young to do any deeper
O_O interrogation, he wouldn’t survive. Looks like we will have to resort to more
,(extraneous comma) psychological methods.”
PARAGRAPHS! 
He awoke the next day
How does he know that it's the next day? Are their windows? What's around him?, not feeling the slightest bit better, still stuck in the room. But this time he was not alone. Three other Vashino where kneeling on the floor, bound and gagged. “What.. Iss thiss.. Whatss going on?” Darius asked.
“Well since you won’t cooperate, we will have to resort to more... drastic measures.” The grim-faced man replied as he stepped out of the shadows and behind the first, and rather old, vashino. “Now, tell me are you or are you not the child of those behind the rebellion. If you do not answer, I will shoot this vash.”
“You wouldn’t ‘ Darius sneered “What kind of man would do something like that?”
It's just out of character, man. Kids don't sneer, not after they've been punched by a minotaur "for an entire day." The grim-faced man calmly took out his pistol and
shot the old vashino in the head.
“A bad one.
Yeah, that's true. ...Why are the so interested in interrogating Darius, again? Interested enough to murder people in cold blood? Now, answer my question, or she’s next.” He said as he moved over to the next one, a female adult.
“I... I... You...!” Dariuss stuttered, shocked.
“Wrong answer.” Another shot rang out, and the female vashino fell to the ground. “Last chance” the man said as he moved over to the now weeping final vashino, who was just a child, like Darius himself. “Yess! Yess! I am Dariuss Misstal, son of Tak and Mycol Misstal, the oness behind the uprissing. But I didn’t know what they were planning! I sswear!”
“He is telling the truth.” A human women
Sudden truth seer! With "senses". I get she was hiding, but why? steps out of the shadows. “My senses confirm it.”
“Thank you truth seer. You have been very helpful. You may go now.”
“Know this mercenary, I do not approve of your methods. I will not be for hire again. You should change your ways, before the fates of those you have stolen catch up with you.” the women says as she exits. The grim-face man stared angrily after her, then grabs the vash child and carries him up the stairs, leaving Darius to consul himself with his tears. But those tears soon evaporated, as rage overcame sorrow. One day... I will escape
Sudden first person point of view switch...?... And you will pay for the lives you have taken. He was so angry, he even imagined that his ropes were on fire, and that he smelled burning.
But that quickly faded when he heard footsteps descending down the stairs
up the stairs, down the stairs... where is Darius now? Tell us about it!, and to his surprise, Don Marco himself entered the room. “In light of your cooperation, I have decided to spare your life. My cousin’s daughter is looking for a new servant, and a new pet. You may serve both rolls, and keep your life. There is no need to thank me, just keep to your place and everything will be fine.” Two humans then came down and replace the sack on Dariuss’s head, untied him, then carried him out of the room, to his unknown future.
Alright, I'm not going to delve into the epilogue right now, but this ending is actually very reasonable. It's just that you have all these characters stepping out of the woodwork, and a truth seer who has a strong moral compunction against murder but is also there for some reason? There are a lot of elements that really work here, but you've got to break out of these tropes you've sort of set up for yourself. Tropes are like walls - they're only useful for structure. If you have nothing but walls when you build your house, you're just going to end up trapped inside or outside. Build a few doors! Break a few tropes, go against expectations! But at the same time, don't be unbelievable. We have no reason to care about Darius, or the Viashino, or his parents, because we have no context. Give it to us! We want to care! Tell us about his parents, interact with them, show us that they're people.
Right now, Darius is a grown, defiant man in a child's body. Make him a child - and let him GROW into his own. He'll come around. I'm sure you can do it.
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