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 Post subject: [Story]The Cruel Finale
PostPosted: Fri Oct 04, 2013 9:50 pm 
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My latest story, and a return of a couple of my old friends...

The Cruel Finale


Last edited by RavenoftheBlack on Sun Nov 17, 2013 4:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:01 am 
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Deliciously eviiiiil. ;)

There was something that concerned me. I lost track of some of the characters throughout the story. I was sort of thinking they were going to be important (Such as the sage) but they turned out just to be supporting characters to make the Twins seem high and mighty. Maybe a tad less emphasis on the Twins' interactions with these character would help smooth things over?

Syl and Chardis are characterized perfectly, as per usual. I can tell you are getting very used to writing for these two. Something I noticed is that they seem much more... entwined, in this story. I find that it works for me because, in later works that occur later down their personal timeline, they work together, but as two separate entities. Here, at edge of their power, they are almost a single being.

It makes me wonder what effect the Mending really had on these two. They just don't seem to have the coordination now (aka, when dealing with Daneera and Fisco.) that they did in this story.

There were a few spelling errors, but I can't remember where they were for the life of me. I'm willing to vote this in, whenever the vote gets called for.

Good news, this story bumped me to FINALLY finish Daneera and Fisco's story. I'll be putting it up shortly, and we can work on reviewing and rectifying it in-board to smooth it over.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 11:37 am 
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Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

RuwinReborn wrote:
There was something that concerned me. I lost track of some of the characters throughout the story. I was sort of thinking they were going to be important (Such as the sage) but they turned out just to be supporting characters to make the Twins seem high and mighty. Maybe a tad less emphasis on the Twins' interactions with these character would help smooth things over?

Honestly, I went back and forth on this issue. Originally, the scene in the pavilion after the Dual-Walkers left was much longer, and Penelophine did go over and speak with Tharandias and Baracon and got a little of their back stories. I decided to cut it down because it came out a little dry, and the whole thing was going on too long, anyway (at least in my opinion.) Ultimately, I wanted the fringe 'walkers there for three main reasons:

1. I had established in 'Deals and Devils' that planeswalkers had been both spectators and combatants in the Amphiseum, so a story in its heyday needed to show both.

2. I wanted to emphasis that especially pre-Mending, the Dual-Walkers were very powerful together, so much so that an arena full of other planeswalkers (there are 13 identified 'walkers in this story, apart from Syl and Chardis), most of whom don't approve of what's happening, are unwilling to do anything about it.

3. To set things up. Some of these 13 'walkers might never be mentioned again. Others, I have specific plans for some time down the road. I feel all of them have some potential for development, but as for which ones will actually get that development, who's to say? (Well, I am, but I'm not telling...yet.) :laugh:


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 12:34 pm 
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Yikes. That was horrific. Well done.

The only thing that you might fiddle with is the length of the final battle... part of me felt like it could have been drawn out to an even more excruciating length, and that we might see more of the spectators. But I don't know, perhaps not. It seemed like you maybe could've capitalized more on some of their reactions during the battle itself since you took the time to introduce them. Like, you hint that the situation on the home plane of the two soldiers isn't too great... I wonder if there would be an opportunity during the final battle for the Dualwalkers to slip in a few barbs about Planeswalkers being mortal, too, or something like that? Maybe these ideas are terrible, but the lack of use of some of the characters did seem somewhat surprising.

The moments where you do flip back to the Dualwalkers, though, are brilliantly chilling. The image of them grinning at Penelophine... brrr.

Also, if there are any that you definitely aren't interested in developing... I might be ;)

I love that you and Ruwin are building up this shared mythology. This is exactly what I wanted to see happening with this project.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 12:58 pm 
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Thanks, Keeper! (Now go read Cruel Ultimatum before Barinellos smites us all.)

:D

Anyway, I'll take a look at the final battle. I can probably add a paragraph or two that would address both your concerns and Ruwin's. Honestly, I don't think it would take much.

Just because she came up in the 'mature content' thread, did anyone have a problem with Naked Needa?

Keeper, as far as which characters I'm planning to use and which I have no plans for right now, I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I'll be happy to PM you with that.


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:27 pm 
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Nope. She was goofy but not in a way that I felt was sexist, which was my primary concern. She was fully realized enough that she was a good vector for horror during the conclusion, and there were enough subtle hints at a deeper character that she never felt like just a one note joke (or, as I said, like a sexist or prudish caricature).


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PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 2:34 pm 
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I don't know if I'm always successful, but I really take things like sexism seriously. I don't need all my female characters to be "strong," but I need them to be more than just stereotypes. I'm glad Naked Needa didn't stand out as a failure on that front.


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