No Goblins Allowed
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To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]
http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=3890
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Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 12:03 am ]
Post subject:  To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

If there's one thing you folks don't need right now it's another 10,000 words to read, and the following story is in Very Rough Draft Form but I'm going to go ahead and post this bloody story anyway because A. I'm sick of staring at it, B. I already had two major data loss scares and I want it backed up publicly because that's a LOT to re-type, and C. I'm sick as a dog right now and posting this means I can go to sleep without hallucinating plot points. Maybe. I hope.

AAAANYway if you want to prioritize reading other things first, that's fine with me, since this definitely needs a lot of polishing and there's a couple sections that might need a full rewrite. But, if you want to read it now, I'd really appreciate the feedback before trying to get it into something resembling a readable shape.

From the Notes of Raleris the Lorekeeper


Known Issues

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu May 29, 2014 12:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Oh, sweet! I'll be reading this tomorrow. I haven't had the chance to read a lot of your stuff, Keeper (for some reason...) so I'm pumped. Very cool.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 12:14 am ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Probably mainly because I haven't written a lot of stuff :P

Incidentally, this ties into two other previous stories, Dominian Nightmares and... another story that is a bit spoilery. I'm curious about whether this can stand on its own, but I'm not sure I consistently wrote it so that it could (because, again, I wrote this weirdly back to front and wrote half of it while really ill).

Incidentally, I've updated Luna's story connection chart to accommodate this story (although I don't recommend looking at this till after reading since, again, spoilers):

Spoiler


Another beautiful masterpiece of graphic design.

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Thu May 29, 2014 5:41 am ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Keeper! I'm excited about this and will be getting to it as soon as I can.

Feel better, okay?

Author:  RuwinReborn [ Thu May 29, 2014 12:45 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Ah, yes. I'm glad that the vaunted tome [[[bookname???]]] appeared in this work. It's been a while since it has resurfaced, and I am eager to see what sort of havoc the secrets within can wreak... And what of the person who wrote it? The infamous [[[author???]]]? The mystery deepens. Truly, Keeper, you are a master of suspense.

...Anyway.

I promise this is going to be a serious review.

Author:  jedi8187 [ Thu May 29, 2014 1:26 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

I've been having trouble finding time to read these more indepth things, but I will find time to read this.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 1:32 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

@Ruwin re: Lusceleez:

Spoiler

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu May 29, 2014 4:38 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Keeper, I have read this, and I think it's wonderful. I'll put my remaining comments in spoilers, because, well, because that's what I do.

Comments on this fantastic story


Overall, Keeper, very well done, and I sincerely look forward to seeing more of your stuff in the future. I have a vague idea I want to shoot your way, but I'll PM you about it.
Good work.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 5:25 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Ok, so that's two indicators that the pacing is off right in the middle. That doesn't surprise me, because that section and the introduction section for Lusceleez were written last, when I was feeling really sick.

Thank you, both, for the kind words though :) It's very reassuring to know that I won't have to rewrite the whole thing, which is what I kind of feared after I stared at it for so long. :P

As to the conclusion and the Kirsh/Raleris dynamic...

Spoiler


Thanks again for the feedback and encouragement.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu May 29, 2014 5:34 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Spoiler

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 6:04 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Haha, good. Kirsh's feelings at the end wouldn't be nearly as poignant, after all, if you didn't come away with that sympathetic desire :D

And yeah, it's pretty creepy >_<

Glad you liked Dominian Nightmares :D

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Thu May 29, 2014 10:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Keeper, I think this is fabulous. I had a pretty atrocious day today, and reading this really helped to improve my mood this evening. So many thanks for posting.

First off, I'm just really impressed by the way you were able to maintain such an interesting and consistent tone throughout the narration. I always struggle with first-person if the narrator has anything like the sort of quirks that you've pulled off here, just because I find it so exhausting to maintain the voice. But the voice here is consistent and interesting throughout. That is no mean feat, and it's exciting to see it done so well. I know I am a broken record when it comes to the subject of "little telling moments" (I ought to trademark that stupid phrase, I use it so much), and the narration just delivers a bunch of them. The chicken moment. The block of cheese moment. The "disrespect for books" moment, which Raven mentioned. You had me smiling a lot.

(Oh, and beebles. Beebles may bobble, but they don't fall down, you know? I was having flashbacks to drafting Saga/Legacy/Destiny. Beebles make me happy.)

I more or less agree with the committee here on The Elf Formerly Known As L-something, so I won't bother reiterating those points.

Finally, as regards the dialog, I don't think it's nearly as much of a problem as you do. There are just a few places where it seems like the voices are indistinct or people are saying what the narrator needs them to say, but that can make sense within the context of first-person POV. We're having the dialog repeated back to us by the narrator, and if you're willing to come at it from the perspective that Raleris's recollection is not word-perfect, then some amount of oddness in style or content can be explain by paraphrasing - intentional or otherwise - on his part.

(Unless it's something totally different which has you worried, in which case I just made myself look like a jerk and/or dope. In which case... gotta go! *runs away*)

Seriously - thanks for a good read.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu May 29, 2014 10:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

The block of cheese moment.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that one. I loved that.

I had a pretty atrocious day today,

Sorry to hear that, man! Hopefully it's nothing too bad, but as always, feel free to PM me if you need to vent about it. I'll be on for a while here.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Thu May 29, 2014 10:47 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Nope, voice and verisimilitude were the big ones for the dialogue so I'm glad to hear that for the most part that worked out fine. And I'm glad Raleris came off as an interesting rather than a tedious narrator! I went a bit crazy with some of the long and winding sentences so I was concerned about that.

Glad that block of cheese moment went over well :D I do like writing Raleris's actions as well as his narratorial voice.

And glad this made your day a bit better. Besides some of the darker elements I wanted this to be a somewhat humorous and slightly more lighthearted adventure story.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu May 29, 2014 10:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Did I ever mention that "verisimilitude" is one of my very favorite words?

Author:  OrcishLibrarian [ Thu May 29, 2014 11:10 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Nope, voice and verisimilitude were the big ones for the dialogue so I'm glad to hear that for the most part that worked out fine.

Yeah, I think it's no big problem. Sometimes other people sound like Raleris a little bit, but that makes sense, because he's recounting what they said for us. There's a built-in explanation for why that can happen, and it certainly never took me aback or anything like that.

(Semi-related anecdote: It drives me nuts when I read "non-fiction" books written in the popular style of the moment wherein the author purports to relay fly-on-the-wall accounts of conversations which are presented as direct quotations, which implies that they are word-for-word accurate. There's no way they're accurate! The writer wasn't there! No one was taking notes! You interviewed a bunch of people twenty years after the fact, and I'm supposed to believe that they remembered everything they said verbatim? I always remember reading Richard Ben Cramer's What It Takes and being driven nuts by his assertion in the introduction that the quotes were accurate because he confirmed them with primary sources. Unless a stenographer was present in the room, there's no way to tell for sure. I'm willing to go along for the ride, but I resent being told that the ride doesn't exist.)

Quote:
And glad this made your day a bit better.


"Mission accomplished" is probably the wrong phrase here, since it implies that your sole mission is to amuse me, or something like that. So let's go with "job well done" instead, shall we?

(Thanks. :))

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Fri May 30, 2014 11:07 am ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Keeper, I'm too far behind right now to not have peeked at the "edited" map (which you do know you could have done easier, right? the .dia file is in the Archivist's Drive so that others can pick it up without having to recreate the entire chart if I suddenly disappear). I have to ask, how do you expect this to get put in the Archives without the [spoilery characters] tag? If someone wants to know where the previous story arc goes, they're not going to find it unless there are clear links are there.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Fri May 30, 2014 12:15 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

I just put that up because I thought the surprise would be fun for people. The proper tags can be added once it goes into the archive.

And yes I know I could have done it easier. That was the joke.

Author:  Lord LunaEquie is me [ Fri May 30, 2014 12:19 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Okay, I figured that would have been your reasoning. I just thought I should bring it up.

Author:  KeeperofManyNames [ Fri May 30, 2014 12:20 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: To Call the World to Heel [Valjan] [Raleris] [Kirsh] [Some Other Spoilery Characters]

Yup, I mean, it's pretty much impossible to not make it obvious with the way the archive is set up currently (which might be an unintentional bug? but then I'm not sure it's a bug that REALLY matters...)

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