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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2022 1:28 pm 
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Hi there! This is an introduction to many of the main players of the Alliance storyline. It's pretty self-indulgent, but I had a lot of fun writing it.

about 4.4k words


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Cecil Gershwin Palmer (Welcome to Night Vale) wrote:

Johann the Bard (The Adventure Zone) wrote:

To anybody reading this, including my future selves: have a good everything!

My creative archive


Last edited by Huey Nomure on Thu Oct 06, 2022 12:13 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2022 2:00 pm 
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I like this!

It is an interesting parallel to the Cabal gathering at the beginning of "Tales of the Dominia Cabal: Lucien". Like in that story, I really like the gathering of unique and interesting characters. Their interactions are very interesting, too. I have to admit, I was actually a little disappointed that The Storyteller managed to convince Celen to come back. I thought it was a fascinating inclusion that someone would show up only to be frustrated by the whole thing and have that personality clash with another potential member and leave for good. It's not a problem or anything, I just really liked the idea.

I think you did a good job of portraying the Cabal as a danger and tempering some of the members of this alliance that think they can take them on directly. One of the cool things about the Cabal is that, as a group, they are very rare and very unique, and of course very dangerous. I think to keep the uniqueness of the Cabal intact, it is important that this alliance feel different, like less of united group and more of a Pre-World War "we'll come and help if you're attacked" sort of a situation. Within that, though, I like that there are some members who do want to take the fight to the Cabal, and others who know how disastrous that is likely to be, especially before the rift in the Cabal really begins.

I enjoyed the description of the meeting space. It took me a little bit to get what you meant by "the dome's floor shifted down into three levels, two concentric sets of six spacious circular daises around a lower central platform where the vedalken was standing" but after a re-read, and especially after the arrival of the guests, it made sense to me. I also enjoyed that the physical space lent itself to some dissatisfaction and status presumptions. Speaking of which, indirectly, seeing the Storyteller lose their cool a little bit, particularly stammering with their words, was a very cool moment, and I thought you wrote that very well. It really felt like they were getting upset that something they felt "should" be working seemed to be falling apart.

One thing I struggled with a bit was the introductions of the new 'walkers. There are a lot of them here, and for the most part, they were pretty clear in my mind, but sometimes it was a bit tricky to keep the names and descriptors connceted properly. The biggest problem for me was this section:

Quote:
"That the stick up his ass finally bloomed?" A trim efreet drawled as he strolled into the dome, wearing a short sirwal and dozens of necklaces, bracelets and anklets that jingled at his every step. A leather-clad goblin boy with a long shock of jellyfish tentacles for hair followed him closely. "Rejoice, Celen, there could be hope for yours yet." The werewolf scoffed disdainfully.


"Well met, Lord Raqsfawda," the vedalken politely greeted him, an ever-so-slight emphasis on the title, then lowered their gaze to evenly regard the goblin. "Honored to meet you. You may call me Storyteller."


Raqsfawda's eyes tightened for a brief moment. "No 'lord's, friend, how many times..." the efreet shrugged, eliciting more jingles. "Still, good to see you. My friend Di-Lit was curious." The goblin nodded, grinned widely then pinched his lips together.


The Storyteller nodded at the goblin with a warm smile. "Well met, Lord Di-Lit."

I think the interjection of Celen in the paragraph gets a bit confusing when we haven't heard the efreet's name yet, especially when the werewolf has an action attached to the paragraph. It's not a huge issue or anything, and like I said, for the most part I followed it fine, but it was something I noticed.

One other thing was this sentence, which just has a bit of weird phrasing in it:
Quote:
"Why did they invited the old fleabag, I'll never know," the efreet shrugged.

I think the proper phrasing here would be to drop the "did." - "Why they invited the old fleabag, I'll never know," the efreet shrugged.

Also, some people would recommend not using "shrugged" here because it's part of a speech tag, and shrugging isn't a way of verbalizing something. I'm not one of those people (I'm fine with it the way it is), but it's a criticism I've seen brought up from time to time, so I thought I would mention it.

Anyway, thanks for posting! I appreciated the references to Lucien and Raiker. :)


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2022 7:15 pm 
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I like this!

Thank you! Having this many new characters interact was definitely ambitious of me, I'm glad it works :)

Quote:
I have to admit, I was actually a little disappointed that The Storyteller managed to convince Celen to come back. I thought it was a fascinating inclusion that someone would show up only to be frustrated by the whole thing and have that personality clash with another potential member and leave for good. It's not a problem or anything, I just really liked the idea.

I can see that. Celen would be the kind of character that would constantly pull off attention-seeking behavior like that, leaving then coming back in periods so they'd always be close enough to the others to ask for help should the... manure really hit the fan, while indulging his absolutely terrible personality as much as he can lol... especially with Raqsfawda around. I had a lot of fun in portraying two :r: characters that agree on some fundamental stuff (like fighting the Cabal directly) while being utterly unable to be civil to each other, it was a nice exercise in MtG "color theory" if you will (the :r: aristocrat/reveler dichotomy)

Quote:
I think to keep the uniqueness of the Cabal intact, it is important that this alliance feel different, like less of united group and more of a Pre-World War "we'll come and help if you're attacked" sort of a situation. Within that, though, I like that there are some members who do want to take the fight to the Cabal, and others who know how disastrous that is likely to be, especially before the rift in the Cabal really begins.

Yes, the Cabal is unique because... basically, because the Master is unique. An oldwalker powerful and intelligent enough to have dozens of other oldwalkers readily answering his orders? Yeah, that's not gonna happen often.

Of course, a diverse alliance means having different points of view on every matter, even on the most fundamental. Of course big egos chafe at having a Cabal-size threat and having to play nice to people they despise as the only way out, so you're gonna have staunchly pro-war agitators like Celen and Raqsfawda, but of course some people just wouldn't mind war with the right odds (Oyani, Tigaster) and some see open conflict as intrinsically negative (Storyteller, Prasna).

About what the outcome of open war would be, I feel both Raqsfawda and Oyani are right: in that very dome there are enough heavy hitters to make the Cabal sweat for a while and possibly even bloody the Master's nose, but he wouldn't just allow a staredown at that point: it would be a bloodbath, and those who enter a fight to the death - worse, a damn war - certain to walk out of it on their legs are fools.

Quote:
I enjoyed the description of the meeting space. It took me a little bit to get what you meant by "the dome's floor shifted down into three levels, two concentric sets of six spacious circular daises around a lower central platform where the vedalken was standing" but after a re-read, and especially after the arrival of the guests, it made sense to me.

Yes, I didn't want to spend too much time on the planeweaving - I loved coming up with details about the character's attire, dais and refreshments but dialogue is my true love - but also the specific image I had in mind wasn't exactly obvious to describe. I'm open to suggestion on how to portray that better.

Quote:
I also enjoyed that the physical space lent itself to some dissatisfaction and status presumptions. Speaking of which, indirectly, seeing the Storyteller lose their cool a little bit, particularly stammering with their words, was a very cool moment, and I thought you wrote that very well. It really felt like they were getting upset that something they felt "should" be working seemed to be falling apart.

Thank you! I want to have the Storyteller being a mostly good person, but a reasonable oldwalker is a living contradiction or so I hear* :D So within Elphimas' typical social misjudgements are woven unresolved contradictions, like believing all 'walkers to be equal while explicitly seating them in order of political power, mirroring the blunders the "modern" Elphimas makes by assuming people are characters in a story: failures of social skills, colored by contradictory or toxic views. Gryloss is also me when he points out that painting any outcome as objectively positive ("golden age") is inherently partisan and propaganda-sounding, and thus a big sell on a group that's supposedly only there to protect their own corner of godhood/freedom in addition to just plain hypocritical.

*I resolve that also by making the reasonable person being unreasonable by assuming everybody is as reasonable(?) as them - which is something I absolutely have no experience with, of course :D

Quote:
One thing I struggled with a bit was the introductions of the new 'walkers. There are a lot of them here, and for the most part, they were pretty clear in my mind, but sometimes it was a bit tricky to keep the names and descriptors connected properly.

Yes, that was one of my worries; unfortunately, the Storyteller hosting the meeting meant it was all pretty structured, as opposed to, say, Melasema which would have called for a great party where the reader could have a few introductions at the time as the PoV mingled with the guests much more dynamically, a bit like the introduction to the Amphiseum. Here the focus is always wide on the whole dome, so I had to stretch the description in a... creative way as to not be too repetitive while giving a definite idea of the characters you know very few things about (see "steely-eyed kithkin"). At the end, the official introductions (after Celen does his drama queen move) are ideally more like a quick nod to people you already chatted with half an evening without caring to formally introduce yourself.

Quote:
Anyway, thanks for posting! I appreciated the references to Lucien and Raiker. :)

Thank you for reading! Of course I had to reference them, Melasema is a big fan of Raiker and Lucien... well, you know :D

_________________
Cecil Gershwin Palmer (Welcome to Night Vale) wrote:

Johann the Bard (The Adventure Zone) wrote:

To anybody reading this, including my future selves: have a good everything!

My creative archive


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