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Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)
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Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Fri Aug 28, 2020 9:59 am ]
Post subject:  Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

As I suspect many of you are aware, there has been a long-standing contest, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, wherein the sole purpose is to have the contestants "write an atrocious opening sentence to a hypothetical bad [story]."

Well, that sounds like fun to me! So I'm making this thread as a place to deposit your bad opening lines, contextualized to the M:EM. If there is interest, we can turn it into some kind of vote or game, and if not, I'll likely just post one every once in a while when I feel like it, and you can, too!

Have fun!

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Fri Aug 28, 2020 10:02 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Daneera fumed in Kerik's naturally unair-conditioned cabin while she looked over the tattered remains of her favorite boots, shooting frequent glances, like bent and barbed arrows from an obviously inferior fletcher, at the guilt-ridden countenance of her werewolf lover culprit.

Author:  Barinellos [ Sat Aug 29, 2020 1:03 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

That opening hurt me so much to read, I'm not sure I could make a stab of my own.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sat Aug 29, 2020 11:30 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Barinellos wrote:
That opening hurt me so much to read, I'm not sure I could make a stab of my own.

Clearly, the line "...from an obviously inferior fletcher" is one of the greatest lines ever written!

:paranoid:

Anyway, these are a lot of fun, so if one pops into your head, feel free to post it!

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Aug 31, 2020 10:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
It was a dark and stormy night, but it was on Lania, so it was always dark unless there was an Aurora, which there wasn't, 'cause I'm sure I would have noticed, and in fact, I can't be absolutely sure it was even night, because without a sun, is there really even such a thing as day and night, but it was stormy, a windy, blistering, bitter snowstorm, although the locals probably thought it was pretty gentle compared to what they were used to, but as a planeswalker from a tropical climate, it was certainly windy, blistering, and bitter to me.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Tue Sep 01, 2020 3:35 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Grum was a goblin artillery-man in charge of one of the large, multi-arrow firing devices on the eastern front of Lord Haversnickel's Western patrols in the far south of the northern Korallinian region, which was usually a pretty good gig, but on that fateful day, he heard the sound that no artillery-man in charge of large, multi-arrow firing devices ever wanted to hear: the voice of Bob the Goblin asking, "Hey, hwacha doin'?"

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Wed Sep 02, 2020 4:58 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
You know, Reader, it goes without saying...



...The End.

Author:  Barinellos [ Wed Sep 02, 2020 9:55 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

... I have two ideas, but no content for them. I'll ponder the matter and swing back to this.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu Sep 03, 2020 9:53 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Barinellos wrote:
... I have two ideas, but no content for them. I'll ponder the matter and swing back to this.

It'll be here when you're ready. :)

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu Sep 03, 2020 4:22 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
'Belfry' is a strange word, in that it is neither a single "L" bell, nor a fry, but nevertheless, it is up in the belfry where we set our strange scene, for it is here that Dekworth, the twisted murderer of our equally twisted tale (although you won't learn that until much later) begins this devilish and circuitous plot, which begins, innocently enough, with a chipped tea cup, a poorly drawn map, and three-quarters of a wheel of some surprisingly fine cheese.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Fri Sep 04, 2020 8:25 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Kahr-ret-Taris channeled his most fiery of fire magicks, his very blood becoming like the magma beneath the mountains, and he unleashed the energy in a torrent of burning fury at the pit before him, before turning with a smile to those gathered around him, saying, "Barbecue's on, folks!"

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Fri Sep 04, 2020 9:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Kahr-ret-Taris channeled his most fiery of fire magicks, his very blood becoming like the magma beneath the mountains, and he unleashed the energy in a torrent of burning fury at the pit before him, before turning with a smile to those gathered around him, saying, "Barbecue's on, folks!"

Inappropriate entry, line isn't bad at all! :D

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Fri Sep 04, 2020 1:11 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Kahr-ret-Taris channeled his most fiery of fire magicks, his very blood becoming like the magma beneath the mountains, and he unleashed the energy in a torrent of burning fury at the pit before him, before turning with a smile to those gathered around him, saying, "Barbecue's on, folks!"

Inappropriate entry, line isn't bad at all! :D

What can I say? I'm just such an amazing writer that writing intentionally bad lines is virtually impossible! :paranoid:

:D

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sat Sep 05, 2020 8:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
Antine fell in a hole, but it wasn't a very deep hole, and he figured it could be a lot worse, like when he fell into an industrial grinder, so he climbed out (falling back in twice in the process), dusted himself off, and went on his way.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Sun Sep 06, 2020 9:39 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
In the brightening hours of the early morning, when the morning sun was brightening the morning with bright sunlight, Orida Vise stepped out into the brightening early morning light, lowered her dark goggles, and said, "It's too ****ing bright this morning."

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Sep 07, 2020 11:06 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
One day, Thorneau exploded.

Author:  Huey Nomure [ Mon Sep 07, 2020 7:14 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
One day, Thorneau exploded.

This is another line of which I want the rest of the story :D

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Tue Sep 08, 2020 9:51 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
One day, Thorneau exploded.

This is another line of which I want the rest of the story :D

:)

Maybe I should change the thread to "Random Opening M:EM Lines," and everyone can decide for themselves if they're good or bad!

Quote:
Daneera and Antine and Penelophine and Morgezka Shanak and Kahr-ret-Taris and Lukas Harran and Sundar Elarion were meeting up for a reunion, and they were having a really, really, REALLY hard time deciding whether or not to invite Fisco Vane, but none of them had his address anyway, and his number was apparently unlisted, though none of them knew what that meant.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Wed Sep 09, 2020 10:16 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
When Denner Fabellian had fallen in love with Lady Arthrena of Bovranth, he had told her that he would climb the highest mountain for her, which he thought was a sweet gesture, but she had gotten disproportionately upset about it, saying, "What possible good would that do? I mean, what's even up there? Don't say stupid things, dummy," which Denner had thought was a little harsh, though he had certainly heard worse.

Author:  RavenoftheBlack [ Thu Sep 10, 2020 9:46 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Bad M:EM Opening Lines (Bulwer Lytton)

Quote:
My name is Donagut, I'm a detector, and I knew from the moment she walked into my office - okay, well, the bar, not my office; I don't have an office, I have a bar (well, it's not MY bar, technically, it's just A bar that I frequent, because the bartenders know me, and usually don't throw me out, at least not physically anymore) so she walked into the bar where I was drinking - I knew she was trouble with a capital M, and I knew I would never get used to the weird dialects of the Great City of Nuwar and the strange ways they spell words like "trouble."

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