No Goblins Allowed http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/ |
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[Story] Marked Hands [Kyewdz] http://862838.jrbdt8wd.asia/viewtopic.php?f=19&t=25642 |
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Author: | Huey Nomure [ Wed Nov 20, 2019 5:03 pm ] |
Post subject: | [Story] Marked Hands [Kyewdz] |
Have a clear vision for the ending but need a few ideas for the middle part, but in the meantime having feedback on the premise might help.
chapter 1
Zyke was bathing – or rather, prying the biggest dirt crusts from - her riotous baby brother when the clanging from the adjacent room overwhelmed even the twins trading insults. “Kyewdz!” She called, keeping the baby goblin’s hands away from the strigil. “Don’t play with Dad’s things!” “I can take some wire!” Her younger sister yelled back. “He told me!” A memory came to Zyke as she let her brother take the little strigil and took the adult-sized one - he was dirtier than any adult she had ever seen anyway. “Weren’t you to learn knitting from Nan Tala, Kyewdz?” “I went yesterday!” “And today you’re a lord’s taylor, huh?” Zyke replied, not prying her eyes and hands away from little Loue. “Learned everything there is to know, I bet – Nuri! Othik! Quieter! You’ll wake Old Makti!” The twins shot back a defiant choral reply about how little they cared about the elder, but lowered their voices anyway – no one wanted to be at the wrong end of Makti’s glare. In the relative quiet, Zyke heard the tapping of bare feet leave the bedroom and come to her side. She spared a glance to Kyewdz, who was tinkering with a bunch of wire and had something colored held between her lips. She gave a last appraising look to Loue. “That’s enough for now, young man, but remember, tonight is bath night.” “Ba’ Na’! Ba’ Na’!” The baby echoed as he was put into Zyke’s sling, the little strigil still in his tiny hands. Zyke finally turned to Kyewdz. The girl was tweaking the tail of some winged figure made of wire, and had a multicolored knitted circle in her mouth. “What’s that?” “’Raghon,” Kyewdz replied, raising the wire figure, “Hach ho’ lo’e,” she added raising her chin. She didn’t move her eyes from the wire. Zyke took the circle from her sister’s mouth. “Once more, please, with feeling.” “Dragon,” the girl said, “and hat for Loue.” Zyke eyed the wire figure, which now had something resembling a mouth. “And what did you give Nan Tala for this?” She asked, dangling the hat before Kyewdz’ eyes. Kyewdz stepped back and held the “dragon” closer to her chest. “Nothing.” Zyke’s brow furrowed: Tala wasn’t one for gifts. “Kyewdz. No stealing from other goblins, remember? It’s a Rule.” “Didn’t steal!” Kyewdz shrieked, glaring at her wire dragon. Her crest of wild orange hair trembled in anger. “She gave wool to practice. Said if we finished a thing, it was ours.” Zyke took a better look at the hat, and started noticing some skipped or double passes. Not Tala’s handiwork. “And you did this at your first try?” “No, but it was right at the end.” “Kyewdz.” Zyke lowered her head to her sister’s level. “Kyewdz, look at me. Is that true?” The goblin girl met Zyke’s gaze for the first time, her eyes defiant and bloodshot. “Nan Tala taught us the pass, gave us wool to practice. She said, I did. Did and undid, did and undid. Many times, more than nine. Was bored, made mistakes. Was sleepy too. But hat finished, I learned enough. And hat mine, like she said.” She glanced at the baby babbling in Zyke’s sling, and her anger softened. “Now hat is Loue’s.” Zyke blinked, floored. Either her sister was a born liar, or… “But if you learned so much with one lesson, why stop?” “Booooored,” Kyewdz whined. “Learned enough. Knitting is boring, I know now,” she said seriously. “Want to make metal things now. Fire, hammers, sparks! Want to make a metal dragon!” She showed Zyke her wire dragon. “Roar!” “A very scary dragon,” Zyke replied absently. Cursed like Father, she thought, just in the opposite way. Or maybe Father’s dedication also focused with time? Kyewdz beamed proudly, and ran away roaring. Zyke lowered her eyes on Loue, who was napping with the strigil’s filthy tip in his mouth. She carefully swapped the strigil with Kyewdz’s hat, and thought about the future. * * * Their father Rawa ate last, as always. They tried to wait for him each time, encouraged by their mother Sarliz. Then Loue started crying, and Kyewdz folded on herself hugging her belly, her ears low not to hear the wailing and her knees bouncing like crazy. When the twins’ roughhousing systematically ended up with one of them sitting on the other’s chest, Zyke gave a weary look to Sarliz, and the mother capitulated with a last sigh. But Rawa never looked disappointed when he come home late at night. At least, not when the children got to see him. That night Rawa came home early - still after they had began eating, but early for him – and Saliz started bringing him up to speed with the day’s events. “So you want to work metal?” He asked Kyewdz, who nodded with her mouth full. “It’s dangerous, you know?” Kyewdz swallowed. “Knitting needle slips, you hurt an eye or hand,” she replied, mimicking the incident with her knife. “Knitting dangerous too?” Rawa’s snort didn’t dare to become a proper laughter under her wife’s glare. “Everything can be dangerous, but some jobs are more likely to hurt you than others.” “But I’m careful!” “Like with Loue’s hat, Q?” Zyke commented. Kyewdz glared at her older sister. “Snitch!” She hissed. “What’s wrong with it?” Rawa asked, eyeing it across the table. “Was bored and sleepy,” she shrugged, lowering her eyes. “Made a few mistakes. Little ones.” “That’s a few mistakes too many,” Rawa replied, suddenly dead serious. “There are places where you can’t afford mistakes, Kyewdz, and a smithy is one of them.” “Won’t!” Kyewdz declared with a sweeping gesture. “Won’t make mistakes.” “Even if it was true,” Sarliz said, “No smith will get an apprentice as young as you, Kyewdz.” “But Nyla works with her father!” “She just cleans and brings her father tools,” Sarliz pointed out. “She also works vises, and she doesn’t want to become a smith,” Kyewdz insisted, working an imaginary vise. “I could take her place!” Sarliz sighed. Rawa barked a laughter. Sarliz shot a glare at her husband. “Don’t pretend you don’t know where that stubbornness came from.” “Do you know for sure?” Rawa replied with a playful smile. “I remember a certain headstrong girl leaving her family and her city behind just to move to Lakos with an outcast tinker-ow!” “No doubt about the smartassery, though,” Sarliz said, flourishing her wooden spoon in Rawa’s direction. But she couldn’t hold back a smile, and the children shared a quiet chuckle. “On this happy note,” said Nuri, standing up with his brother after meeting his gaze, “and about the “smart” part...” “Since Nuri’s always an ass, so that’s-” Othik was interrupted by his twin’s elbow. “We’ve got something to show you all, right Othik?” Nuri hissed. Othik nodded breathlessly, and both strode out of the room. The remaining family members looked at each other, confused. “Catch, Da!” Rawa caught the flying satchel, but its weight almost toppled him. “What...” “The result of a flawless Mockingbird’s Jump,” Othik announced proudly. “Arin had a tear in his eye, yes he had,” Nuri added. “And the kor didn’t even notice, just… beautiful.” “There must be at least twenty golds here...” Rawa muttered, eyes wide. At those words, Zyke and Kyewdz craned their necks to get a glimpse. “Twenty-seven, to be precise,” Othik beamed. “Arin like One-Tooth Arin?” Sarliz said with her Tone, and an icy silence fell on the table. “...Yes?” Nuri ventured. “Did he ever tell you why he’s down to the one tooth?” “We supposed it was age...” Nuri said. “...But a few other explanations come to mind right now,” Othik completed, wincing. “You think Kyewdz’s fear of dogs is funny?” Sarliz asked somberly. “Show Arin a vedalken blackjack, you’ll laugh for days.” The twins looked at leach other, crestfallen. “Yes, but… the Rules don’t...” Rawa’s tattooed hand found Sarliz’s, and his fingers entwined with hers. Sarliz took a deep breath. “It’s like your father said, boys. There are jobs where a single mistake can cost... a lot. I lost a sister to the angels’ cells, well before you were born. I don’t want to...” She blinked fast, tears in her eyes. The twins stared at their mother, horror plain in their faces. Zyka brought Loue to her chest and whispered something to his ear, keeping his face away from Sarliz. Kyewdz’s eyes darted everywhere. Rawa brought her wife’s hand to his mouth and kissed it, softly, and offered her a sad but warm smile when she met his gaze. “...Just promise me to be careful,” Sarliz eventually said, her breath even again. “Please.” “We promise,” the twins said in chorus, right hands immediately to their chest. “Mouth and heart.” A somber silence lingered after the twins’ words. “That’s almost how much I do in a whole month, boys,” Rawa commented in a careful tone, “no need for another score like this soon, right?” Rawa eyed the twins meaningfully. “We’ll make it last.” The two shared a glance. “Yeah, sure, nothing wrong in taking it slow, right Othik?” “Took the words from my mouth, Nuri, I swear.” Rawa smiled to the twins, who sat down with a grateful breath, and put the satchel to the ground. “Steaks and cheese for a month, Sarliz? What do you think?” He asked encouragingly. The children brightened at the mention of rich food. Sarliz glanced within the satchel. “Maybe not every day, but close to,” she nodded. “There’s gifts to account for.” The twins looked confused. “Gifts?” “To elders and cripples.” Sarliz took a deep breath. “I come from a family of thieves,” she explained. “When you score big, you give something to those who can’t work for themselves. You show you take care of those in need, so it’s more likely you’ll be helped when you’re the one needing something.” She sighed. “Like well-feigned ignorance, for example.” “Our friends would never sell us,” Nuri said, appalled. “Maybe not your friends,” Sarliz replied. “But are you friends with the whole block? And with Arin’s tongue being what it is, do you think someone in the block doesn’t know by now?” She sighed again. “Look, I’m not saying it’s likely, it’s just that I saw it happen more than once, and I won’t take any chances. Your father’s job at the leylines already makes us envied, we don’t need more distance between us and the other goblin families. Do you understand?” The twins frowned, but nodded. Zyke, on the other hand, wasn’t convinced. “And why would they envy that? Sixteen to eighteen hours a day in the tall quarters? I wonder how many goblins could manage that.” “There’s a reason why your father’s the only goblin working there,” Sarliz replied with a hint of pride. “But people only see he brings home half again the coin other goblins make, and to some that’s enough to envy.” Rawa silently cleaned up his bowl and left the room. Kyewdz did the same, finding her father lying face-up at the center of the family’s large bed, eyes closed. She slowly and carefully crawled beside him, but despite her best efforts her father’s eyes opened again, looking at her with a weary smile. “You tired too, little Q?” Kyewdz nodded. “Didn’t sleep last night.” Rawa rolled on his side to better see her daughter. “Knitting, right? Why spending so much time doing something you called boring?” “Wanted to get it,” Kyewdz replied, tracing the lines on her father’s arms with a finger. “After that, it got boring. Can get it right if I want, but...” “There’s something more interesting to do.” Kyewdz nodded. “Like wire dragons.” Kyewdz nodded again, more emphatically. “Want to make a real one, a metal one. Bigger than any dog. So my pet can scare theirs.” Rawa smiled fondly. “That’s an admirable project. Two days ago, however, I remember you swearing you’d knit scarves and mittens for all of us. What has become of that?” Kyewdz didn’t reply. She moved her father’s forearm so she could better follow the tattoo’s lines. Rawa hummed thoughtfully. “Having fun there?” Kyewdz gladly changed topic. “They look... strong. What do they mean?” Rawa made an inquisitive noise. “Qwati has a snake tattooed where a viper bit him. He told me it protects him from other snakes.” Kyewdz explained. “Told me every tattoo has a meaning.” “Qwati says a lot of things,” Rawa replied. “...I guess my tattoos mean I’m a leyline worker. Like Qwati’s, they have a purpose, rather than a meaning. They… they allow me to interact with magic as easily I can touch you.” He tapped on Kyewdz’ nose, as to prove his point. Kyewdz’ eyes went wide. “You can touch magic? Do all leyline workers have these?” “More or less, and no. At work they call me Rune-Eye, because I’m the only one able to see mana and enchantments. So I-” “Really? What do they look like?” Rawa yawned. “...mana looks like colored, shimmering mist, while enchantments… something like glowing tattoos, I guess.” “Can I have one too?” Rawa frowned, confused. “One what? Enchantment?” “Tattoo. I want one like yours.” Her finger stopped for a moment. “But to bend metal. And cut it. And meld it. And- how many things can tattoos do?” Rawa didn’t reply immediately. Kyewdz looked up to make sure he wasn’t sleeping. Eventually, he said: “Let’s make a deal: we’ll wait a month, then if you’re still convinced about metalworking, we’ll start talking about what exactly do you want tattoos for. How does that sound?” Kyewdz frowned, expecting to be told to wait more at that point. “But I want them now.” Rawa sighed. “I was thirteen when I got mine, little Q, and my parents were very unhappy about that. If you’re really into metalworking, you’ll still get them younger than me, and I’ll talk Mother into it. Isn’t that enough?” Kyewdz met her father’s gaze for a moment, than lowered it again and nodded curtly. “Good. Now will you let me sleep, little Q?” Kyewdz immediately rolled away, guilt burning on her cheeks, but her father dragged her back against his chest. “I was rude just now, Q, I apologize. Will you forgive me, little Q? I could never fall asleep without hugging my favorite pillow.” Kyewdz nuzzled against her father’s neck, giggling, and all was forgiven. |
Author: | RavenoftheBlack [ Sun Nov 24, 2019 12:39 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story] Marked Hands [Kyewdz] |
Spoiler
To use a simile, reading this story felt like being plunged into the ocean just off the coast of a beautiful, tropical island. At first I was drowning beneath the waves, not really seeing anything. Then I would surface, and catch sight of something cool, then I would sink again, and back and forth. I really like the glimpses of worldbuilding here, and while I'm not a huge fan of the child prodigy trope in general, I like Kyewdz well enough. I think you gave her enough depth that I can overlook what can be, for me, an obnoxious "everything is easy for me!" characterization. I'm not a fan of the name as it looks like a mass of consonants to me, but I know you've had that established for a while, so it's not an issue I would press.
The biggest problems for me are those moments where I'm sinking, to continue the metaphor. There are just so many places in this story where I felt like I was expected to know things that I hadn't yet been told. Take these opening two lines, for instance, and read them like they were your very first introduction to everything involved in this piece: Huey Nomure wrote: Zyke was bathing – or rather, prying the biggest dirt crusts from - her riotous baby brother when the clanging from the adjacent room overwhelmed even the twins trading insults. “Kyewdz!” She called, keeping the baby goblin’s hands away from the strigil. “Don’t play with Dad’s things!” So, we're just meeting Zyke and have no idea who she is. In and of itself, that's fine; its the first line of the story. I read the name "Zyke" as I would the mostly male name "Zeke," so the female pronoun threw me off slightly, but again, that's not a big deal at all. But the immediate appositive of "or rather, prying the biggest dirt crusts from" instantly forces the reader to alter the only mental image we have. Because my first assumption was a male character, the next word after the appositive, "her," forced me to alter the image again. Then we have "when the clanging from the adjacent room overwhelmed even the twins trading insults." What twins? What adjacent room? The clanging is fine. There's a clanging from another room. No problem. But then you compare it to a sound that I'm apparently expected to have been aware of, and know who the twins are. Then someone yells at Kyewdz, but the pronoun is unclear. It seems to be Zyke, as we find out it is, but it could easily be one of the twins, or somebody else entirely. There was some confusion about whether she was yelling at the baby she was cleaning or at someone in another room. When she says, "don't play with Dad's things," I figured out it was the latter, but that raised the question of how she knew precisely what was happening in the other room, which forced me to adjust the mental image yet again to something where Zyke could see into the next room. I'm not trying to over-analyze this or be overly nit-picking, but I genuinely had to read those first two lines four or five times before I worked through it. After that point, the proper names started coming in, and I was too busy trying to figure out which of them were relevant and which weren't to pay much attention to the argument. I liked the moment when Kyewdz is talking with the knitting circle in her mouth, but until after her sister takes it out, I assumed this was another language, especially coming just two lines after the child saying "Ba' Na'!" which I did not pick up on meaning "Bath Night" until a second read. Speaking of Kyewdz's use of language, I wasn't overly thrilled with broken language and prodigious sentence fragments she used, but I'm guessing that was meant to show how young she is. I really liked the start of the second scene, with the father and the conversation about working metal. It was all pretty clear, and I liked the relationships between the family members and more of Kyewdz's child-like enthusiasm. It was one of those "resurfacing" moments where I really liked what I saw. Then around the time the twins start talking, I lose it again, partly because while you had mentioned the twins, they hadn't been named, so when Nuri starts talking, I have no idea what's happening. It's not helped by the fact that the Twins' part is precipitated by the word "smartassery," which is both not a word and too modern for my tastes. We then go into all kinds of things that I can't be expected to know, like Mockingbird's Jump and Arin and so forth. Once again, I'm underwater and just waiting to resurface. But then pretty much from the time that the mother lectures the twins (especially the talk of getting gifts for the old and enfeebled - I thought that was great) through pretty much the end of the section, I really liked. Again, I didn't feel like I was being expected to know things I couldn't know, and the world-building stuff with the leylines, the mines, and the tattoos was all pretty cool. I'm not entirely sold on the very end, but it's not bad by any stretch. I assume it was mostly to indicate a close relationship between father and daughter, which is fine. A lot of this story, and Kyewdz's personality specifically, reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago:
What Makes a Goblin Tick
What Makes a Goblin Tick I write these lines within the mines That pierce the mountain deep, Where all my kind left me behind, To my eternal sleep. Within this earth I cursed my birth, That set me so apart, With true distain, a tinker's brain, Was paired to goblin's heart! While still so young, my infant tongue, Was sharper than my peers, And elders, too, feared what to do, As I advanced in years. In their defense, I had more sense, Than all the tribe combined, For ill or good, I understood, Each trinket we could find. I seemed to know what made things go, And what would make them stop, So in the caves of goblin graves, I built my tinker's shop. One day, at feast, a metal beast, Had wandered into camp, Metallic paws, and razor claws, Its mouth was like a clamp. The others feared, but soon they cheered, As I shut off its mind. The tribe was hooked, and henceforth looked, For others of his kind. Both far and wide, where e'er they hide, My tribe set to their deeds, They gathered here, within a year, A herd of clockwork steeds. They sought their sort, like twisted sport, I doubt they guessed at why, But I could learn from clockwork terns, And condors from the sky. They found some gnomes in peaceful homes, And plundered them with glee, They even found, along the ground, A beetle left for me. With clockwork aid, an endless raid, Was set like flame to wick, As kinsmen burned, I studied, learned, Just how to make them tick. In time, I felt that I could smelt Their forms to test my skill, And no mistake, I knew I'd make, A thing that's better still. My first attempt, met with contempt, By those in nearby beds, A massive frame with just one name, But half a dozen heads! It's just as well my hydra fell, To my tribe's fearful hands, It lacked the strength to cross the length, And conquer foreign lands. They called it "crime," and over time, I seemed to be a thing That they avoid, so paranoid, And so I took to wing. From fire deep, I woke from sleep, The spirit of the flame, Above, beneath, with claw and teeth, The clockwork dragon came! From skies regained, destruction reigned, The dragon flared his breath! And closed their eyes, who criticized Me fell into their death! But once again those goblin men Would fell my precious work! Tremendous cost they paid and lost, They fought as though berserk. So out of fear they trapped me here, And sealed the cavern wall, There's nothing great to pierce that gate, But what of something small? I do confess they left me less Than I'd like to transform, But I just graft and rip to craft Each member of the swarm. In their attacks, they found the cracks, To that infernal door, The deadly clocks destroyed the locks And set me free once more. The swarm would fly, their battle cry, A buzz that cut the night, The goblin folk formed lines, but broke, As hearts gave in to fright. My kinsmen fought, though all for naught, Their days were numbered few, The swarm converged, like winds they surged, Destroying all they knew. My swarm would drive those left alive To caves where goblins rest, And there they age, within my cage, And wait till I can test. I need to learn what makes them turn, These goblin minds so thick, They need the tock of my sweet clock, To make these goblins tick. Anyway, thanks for posting. I don't really have any suggestions for the middle part of your story, unless you want to push Kyewdz into the realm of obsession or monomania or something. But without having a sense of where you're going with the character, I really can't say what would help get her there. |
Author: | Huey Nomure [ Sun Nov 24, 2019 3:05 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story] Marked Hands [Kyewdz] |
Spoiler
RavenoftheBlack wrote: I think you gave her enough depth that I can overlook what can be, for me, an obnoxious "everything is easy for me!" characterization. [...] But without having a sense of where you're going with the character, I really can't say what would help get her there. It's more like she can muster an uncommon level of focus, but only for a limited period of time. She can learn to do basic knitting* fast**, but since she has "understood knitting" and found it boring she'll never train further and will never use that skillset until forced to. Since she burns out even from her most favorite subjects (metalworking and related fields of expertise), her quick learning simply turns her into a jack of all trades or, if you will, a Dabbler. *with small but noticeable flaws **I could be persuaded to prolong her training under Nan Tala, if someone who knows about knitting can eyeball a more realistic but still impressive timing. (I dunno how you feel about spoilers, but Kyewdz' origin story is explained fully in her dossier) Quote: I'm not a fan of the name as it looks like a mass of consonants to me, but I know you've had that established for a while, so it's not an issue I would press. It was Kewz at the very beginning (the intended pronunciation has always been "Q" with a z or dz at the end, hence her nickname), but Luna argued that looked too similar to "kewl" and suggested some changes. You can read the back-and-forth in the thread for her dossier and give your two cents, until a name has been Archived I'm up for small changes. I'll agree that the opening sentence has too garbled a syntax for a setting and characters we've never seen before, I'll look into that first sequence. For the later parts with confusing names, having a small goblin family sounded unlikely, and I tried to balance synthesis with information with unimpressive results. They'll get another close look too. Quote: I liked the moment when Kyewdz is talking with the knitting circle in her mouth, but until after her sister takes it out, I assumed this was another language, especially coming just two lines after the child saying "Ba' Na'!" which I did not pick up on meaning "Bath Night" until a second read. I'll turn Loue's toothless babbling into "Ba' Naee!", should make it a bit clearer. Quote: Speaking of Kyewdz's use of language, I wasn't overly thrilled with broken language and prodigious sentence fragments she used, but I'm guessing that was meant to show how young she is. Well... it's a mix of that (she's between 8 and 11) and a deliberate style of speech she'll keep using all her life. What do you mean by "prodigious sentence fragments"? Quote: Then around the time the twins start talking, I lose it again, partly because while you had mentioned the twins, they hadn't been named, so when Nuri starts talking, I have no idea what's happening. They had been named when Zyke yells at them to lower their voice at the beginning, but I don't blame you for not remembering As I said, I'll look into that. Quote: It's not helped by the fact that the Twins' part is precipitated by the word "smartassery," which is both not a word and too modern for my tastes. That's part of a whole discussion about fictional dialogue. While I can't object to people not loving modern language used in fantasy, I feel that not using any colloquial words genuinely impairs the impact of dialogue in certain situations. And while the issue of whether the goblins are really speaking English or not is another whole can of worms, suggesting that whatever language they're using has equivalents to at least some of our colloquial expressions isn't too unrealistic (especially since they belong to a race not known for refinement); finding a more refined word ("smartass" also has [url=https://www.etymonline.com/word/smart-ass]at least 70 years[/quote], btw, so "less modern" would be debatable) could take authenticity out of the Quote: We then go into all kinds of things that I can't be expected to know, like Mockingbird's Jump and Arin and so forth. Yes, but not knowing exactly what/who they are doesn't impair the understanding of what's happening? The Jump appears to be some kind of technique the twins used to steal a bunch of money to a kor, and One-Tooth Arin seems a mentor-like figure to them who had a close encounter with less-than-friendly vedalken. While the names aren't immediately clear, their function is explained within a few lines: how would additional details help the scene? Quote: I'm not entirely sold on the very end, but it's not bad by any stretch. I assume it was mostly to indicate a close relationship between father and daughter, which is fine. As Zyke points out, they have a bunch of things in common, so there's that. What doesn't convince you in that part? The tattoo proposal, the very last exchange...? I like the last line a lot, but the part leading into that has some turn of phrases I just didn't found better alternatives for. Quote: A lot of this story, and Kyewdz's personality specifically, reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago Nice one! Don't picture Kyewdz descending into madness soon, though All in all, I'm glad the criticism (in the positive sense of the word) came mostly from form rather than concept, and that the family dynamics are believable and clear enough. (I'm an only child and I don't have much contact with large families) Thank you for reading and commenting! |
Author: | RavenoftheBlack [ Mon Nov 25, 2019 10:13 pm ] |
Post subject: | Re: [Story] Marked Hands [Kyewdz] |
Spoiler
Huey Nomure wrote: RavenoftheBlack wrote: I think you gave her enough depth that I can overlook what can be, for me, an obnoxious "everything is easy for me!" characterization. [...] But without having a sense of where you're going with the character, I really can't say what would help get her there. It's more like she can muster an uncommon level of focus, but only for a limited period of time. She can learn to do basic knitting* fast**, but since she has "understood knitting" and found it boring she'll never train further and will never use that skillset until forced to. Since she burns out even from her most favorite subjects (metalworking and related fields of expertise), her quick learning simply turns her into a jack of all trades or, if you will, a Dabbler. *with small but noticeable flaws **I could be persuaded to prolong her training under Nan Tala, if someone who knows about knitting can eyeball a more realistic but still impressive timing. Like I said, I'm fine with her learning quickly when its tempered with her inherent lack of interest, and planeswalkers in general, even before their ascension, are usually described as prodigies of one kind or another, so it's fine by me. Huey Nomure wrote: (I dunno how you feel about spoilers, but Kyewdz' origin story is explained fully in her dossier) I'm honestly not a big fan of dossiers in general. If given the choice between reading a dossier summarizing a story and the story itself, the story wins the vast majority of the time. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: I'm not a fan of the name as it looks like a mass of consonants to me, but I know you've had that established for a while, so it's not an issue I would press. It was Kewz at the very beginning (the intended pronunciation has always been "Q" with a z or dz at the end, hence her nickname), but Luna argued that looked too similar to "kewl" and suggested some changes. You can read the back-and-forth in the thread for her dossier and give your two cents, until a name has been Archived I'm up for small changes. It's none of my business. I just can't quite wrap my head around the pronunciation, especially with the "dz" at the end. Typing it also feels awkward to me, but again, that's none of my business. Huey Nomure wrote: I'll agree that the opening sentence has too garbled a syntax for a setting and characters we've never seen before, I'll look into that first sequence. For the later parts with confusing names, having a small goblin family sounded unlikely, and I tried to balance synthesis with information with unimpressive results. They'll get another close look too. Yeah, I like the big family thing, especially for a goblin. I just didn't like that I felt that the narrator expected me to know them already. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: I liked the moment when Kyewdz is talking with the knitting circle in her mouth, but until after her sister takes it out, I assumed this was another language, especially coming just two lines after the child saying "Ba' Na'!" which I did not pick up on meaning "Bath Night" until a second read. I'll turn Loue's toothless babbling into "Ba' Naee!", should make it a bit clearer. I'm not sure that addresses the issue. I may have just skipped over the knitting circle in Kyewdz's mouth, or didn't think of it in terms muffling speech, but maybe a real brief note about it in the exposition after she says 'Raghon. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Oh, and looking back at this, it reminded me that I didn't care for the "with feeling" drop-in comment from Zyke. It's a phrase that, for me, conjures show business images of retakes and reshoots. And besides, I'm not sure how it applies in this situation in the first place. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: Speaking of Kyewdz's use of language, I wasn't overly thrilled with broken language and prodigious sentence fragments she used, but I'm guessing that was meant to show how young she is. Well... it's a mix of that (she's between 8 and 11) and a deliberate style of speech she'll keep using all her life. What do you mean by "prodigious sentence fragments"? I mean that she speaks in incomplete sentences a lot. Nearly all the time, in fact. This stretch is probably the highest concentration of them: Huey Nomure wrote: “Nan Tala taught us the pass, gave us wool to practice. She said, I did. Did and undid, did and undid. Many times, more than nine. Was bored, made mistakes. Was sleepy too. But hat finished, I learned enough. And hat mine, like she said.” She glanced at the baby babbling in Zyke’s sling, and her anger softened. “Now hat is Loue’s.” Maybe it's just because I'm an English professor, but all those fragments as aggravating to me. Again, though, maybe it's just me. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: Then around the time the twins start talking, I lose it again, partly because while you had mentioned the twins, they hadn't been named, so when Nuri starts talking, I have no idea what's happening. They had been named when Zyke yells at them to lower their voice at the beginning, but I don't blame you for not remembering As I said, I'll look into that. I stand corrected. They were indeed. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: It's not helped by the fact that the Twins' part is precipitated by the word "smartassery," which is both not a word and too modern for my tastes. That's part of a whole discussion about fictional dialogue. While I can't object to people not loving modern language used in fantasy, I feel that not using any colloquial words genuinely impairs the impact of dialogue in certain situations. And while the issue of whether the goblins are really speaking English or not is another whole can of worms, suggesting that whatever language they're using has equivalents to at least some of our colloquial expressions isn't too unrealistic (especially since they belong to a race not known for refinement); finding a more refined word ("smartass" also has at least 70 years, btw, so "less modern" would be debatable) could take authenticity out of the I'm not objecting to the word "smartass." I'm objecting to adding the "ery" at the end, which strikes me as a very modern thing. I get your point about colloquial language, and to me it's a very circumstantial thing; some examples of it bother me and some don't. Also, a 70 year old word only puts it in the mid-to-late 1940s, which is still worlds away from the medieval times I usually mentally set fantasy stories. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: We then go into all kinds of things that I can't be expected to know, like Mockingbird's Jump and Arin and so forth. Yes, but not knowing exactly what/who they are doesn't impair the understanding of what's happening? The Jump appears to be some kind of technique the twins used to steal a bunch of money to a kor, and One-Tooth Arin seems a mentor-like figure to them who had a close encounter with less-than-friendly vedalken. While the names aren't immediately clear, their function is explained within a few lines: how would additional details help the scene? I did eventually figure out that the Jump was some kind of con, and I agree that I don't need to know what kind of con it was, but I had no context at that point to even know that the twins were con artists in the first place, and thus had no reason to suspect that the Jump was a scheme. On my first read, I thought One-Tooth Arin was one of the people being con'ed, and again, it took multiple readthroughs to get that he was on the twins' side. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: I'm not entirely sold on the very end, but it's not bad by any stretch. I assume it was mostly to indicate a close relationship between father and daughter, which is fine. As Zyke points out, they have a bunch of things in common, so there's that. What doesn't convince you in that part? The tattoo proposal, the very last exchange...? I like the last line a lot, but the part leading into that has some turn of phrases I just didn't found better alternatives for. I really liked the tattoo thing, and the father's "compromise" of making her wait a month to see if she's still interesting made a ton of sense to me. It was the last few lines, with the "favorite pillow" thing and the father apologizing for wanting to sleep before his, what was it, twelve hour work day? Like I said, it's a minor issue. Huey Nomure wrote: Quote: A lot of this story, and Kyewdz's personality specifically, reminded me of a poem I wrote a long time ago Nice one! Don't picture Kyewdz descending into madness soon, though Yeah, the poem depicts a much darker goblin prodigy. The surface level similarities just reminded me of it. Huey Nomure wrote: All in all, I'm glad the criticism (in the positive sense of the word) came mostly from form rather than concept, and that the family dynamics are believable and clear enough. (I'm an only child and I don't have much contact with large families) Thank you for reading and commenting! Yeah, most of my complaints definitely revolve around the way things are presented rather than the things themselves. Overall, I like what is going on here. |
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