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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:08 am 
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Don't look behind door number 2, Monty! It's time to play "End of the line, my valentine!" Ger-roni-do-ron-ron-roni-mo!!!

--------

So, as many of you may or may not know, many years ago I was put in charge of writing our first We Make The Character project. Way back when, I actually wrote a couple of parts that I have since compiled into a single chapter, though I've not yet given it a proper name. It can be found here for those interested.

Anyway, I'm here to bring all you kind people what I've been working on lately, and I think it's going to be chapter 2 of the Lyssia story. I'm eager to hear what you all think of it, because most of it I didn't expect to come out as it did. I'll zip my lip for now so that you all can read it.

--------

I have a prettier-looking google docs version if you'd like to read it there.

Movement B


Last edited by Lord LunaEquie is me on Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:29 am 
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An interesting setting and couple of characters. I quite like the world you've built here, as well as Sig's interactions with his companions, but I'm left hanging by the abrupt end of the excerpt. I hope we'll one day see the latter half of the story, so all that worldbuilding and characterization can pay off.

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The format of YMtC and the Expanded Multiverse.
YMtC: My Deck of Many Things | NGA Masters | 2 | 3 | Roses of Paliano | Duel Decks: War of the Wheel | Jakkard: Wild Cards | From Maral's Vault | Taramir: The Dark Tide
Solphos: Solphos | Fool's Gold | Planeswalker's Guide | The Guiding Light | The Weight of a Soul
Game design: Pokémon Tales | Fleets of Ossia: War Machines | Hunter Killer | Red Jackie's Run


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:17 pm 
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I'm with CKY here. There is some great characterization and scene setting here. I love the way you describe Ava and the manner in which Sig and his escorts move through it. And Sig's personality is a lot of fun here, with a child-like wonder masking something deeper that obviously lies beneath. Very interesting.

And, like CKY, I'm interested in seeing what comes of all of this when the streams cross, as it were. Very fun.

I did catch a number of typos and similar issues, which I will hide in one of my much-beloved spoiler boxes.

Spoiler


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 2:32 pm 
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I'm a little torn on the structure here because this almost feels like it could work as a stand alone story, but for the abrupt ending which signals that it's a chapter in a larger work... so I guess I'll just ask: have you considered telling your novel in an episodic format like the Jackie and Beryl stories? I mean, it just occurs to me that maybe you'd have an easier time if you could break things into chunks and submit them as independent works?

Basically I'm transparently looking for ways to get more story content from you because every time you do post something new it's really fun and exciting :P What can I say? I want to see where this is going!

I really like what you've got here. Sig is, as the characters keep remarking, childlike, but not in a way that feels flat or shallow. The glimpses we get of Aven society are intriguing and I like the aven characters that we see, including the sort of incidental characters.

We've got some interesting pieces of information on Sig, just enough to speculate on what's going on but not enough to draw a full picture yet, and that's kind of fun. I do think the first journal entry is maybe a little direct, sort of uh... explaining Sig's character overly directly to the reader wrt his disability? I guess it came off to me as laying the cards on the table a little too forcefully if that makes sense? On the whole though his disability is played interestingly here, particularly this notion that he could restore his arm with magic but hasn't yet...

Basically, I'm excited by what's here and eager to see more!


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 4:52 pm 
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CKY


Raven


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:05 pm 
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Okay, I gave it a think, and how would it sound if the first diary entry were revised to this:
Sig wrote:
Ihn Gallad, local year 879, First of Last Rain
Location: Ava, the City of Birds.

How much can I describe this place, using what limited knowledge of written languages I know? Ihn Gallad itself is a wondrous place, if for nothing else its normality. So many places have been so loaded with magic that they've dulled my senses to it. Even the native flame-kin here are hard for me to be around.

But Ava? And the bird-people who call themselves Aven? This place, these people, are amazing. Where to start?

The city itself is a marvel. Built with magic but not held up by it. The whole place has been carved into the side of a mountain in the middle of "the highest mountains of the land." All this space on this plateau and they choose the rock face of one edge — a vertical city for the sky-faring people. I never would have gotten here without Lyra, of that I'm certain. Just the climb up to Morning's Rise (note: love the double meaning) was nearly fatal. Three times. Although I probably should have gone up once during daylight before this trip. Even so, it was worth it.

If ever I get the opportunity on another world to see the sunrise from the top of a mountain, I have to do it.

But Lyra, and every aven I have met, is so helpful and nice, it—

It's been so liberating. Nobody spares me a second glance unless I'm getting into the same trouble as any other "land-bound" tourist. (Tourist. I'm beginning to hate that word.) Home was hell, and I've been to too many other hateful and war-torn lands to not enjoy the serenity of this place. Still, Lyra is much too nice to worry her over this, not when she must see this view hundreds of times a year.

I have a trip to the Aerie already planned for later today. Will see when I can write of the experience. With any luck, my "employers" won't deduct anything for a little sight-seeing. What else am I supposed to do but just wait here?


I changed the penultimate paragraph to remove focus from the disability. I hope it sounds better now, but I'd like to hear what you guys think.


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:18 pm 
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I like it. I think it makes it possible for people to make the connection without it being so in your face? Like I think realistically people tend to not necessarily address that sort of thing directly but sort of go at it sideways, which feels like what he's doing here


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PostPosted: Mon Jul 20, 2015 9:47 pm 
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Luuuuuuuuuuuuuna!

I think it's insanely great that you're writing! You have a real talent, and I'm super excited that we get to share it. :)

Anyway, I just wanted to poke my head in here to say that it's probably going to be the weekend when I get the chance to sit down and really engage with this. So, please forgive me if I'm a little slow in commenting, here, and please know how much I'm looking forward to this piece!

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PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:11 pm 
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Well, Luna, I have now read this, and I have some good news, and some bad news.

The good news is that I really, really enjoyed this piece! I recall very much liking the first chapter of your Lyssia story, and I similarly enjoyed chapter two, here. Now I'm looking forward to the next installment.

Which leads me to the bad news: You're a writer, Luna. You're officially a writer. There's no denying it. And that means that you're just going to have to keep on writing, you know? Because that's what writers do! :D

Okay, with that silliness aside, I want to thank you again for sharing this with us!

As others have mentioned, I think you did some wonderful character work with Sig, here. I think that his journal sections are some of the strongest in the piece -- you really developed a good, vivid first-person voice for him, and, in those instances where Sig is narrating things directly, I think it helps to contextualize some of the worldbuilding you do for Ava.

Sig has a genuine enthusiasm about him, and a genuine sense of wonder. Yet, at the same time, there's clearly something going on beneath the surface. He has a past, and a curious one at that. And he has a mission that he's on, and that mission is just as curious as his past.

I won't say that either is ominous, per se, but that particular word did float through my mind...

So, yeah, I'm very interested to learn more about what's going on here, and to see what happens next.

Also, Luna, you have a very good sense of humor in this piece, and you deploy it at just the right moments -- which is a really difficult thing to do! For example, look at how sections two and three end:

I have a trip to the Aerie already planned for later today. Will see when I can write of the experience. With any luck, my "employers" won't deduct anything for a little sight-seeing. What else am I supposed to do but just wait here?


Lyra briefly considered pushing him of the rock.

Both those remarks are clever, and funny. But look at the different work they do. The first serves to step-up the tension, and the mystery. The second cuts it, and lets the reader laugh.

That's good stuff. :)

The only moment in the piece that rang a little off to me was the Council's impatient reaction to Sig's request. They barely let the poor guy get a word in edgewise, which seemed a little bit odd, given that I got the impression that they had convened an audience specifically to hear him out? Presumably, the aven who run to serve on the Council do so because they want to, so I was surprised that they seemed so perturbed about having to hear a petition. I guess their attitude might have made more sense to me if Sig had been the last petitioner at the end of a long day, or something like that. But, seeing as they'd all shown up to hear his piece, I wondered why they sort of cut him off as quickly as they did.

But that's a minor, minor thing. I really enjoyed reading this story, and I'm really looking forward to reading anything else that you might share in the future.

Because you're a writer, you know? :D

Thanks again for posting, Luna!

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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 12:28 am 
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Gah! I don't know how I missed you posting here.

Well, Luna, I have now read this, and I have some good news, and some bad news.

The good news is that I really, really enjoyed this piece! I recall very much liking the first chapter of your Lyssia story, and I similarly enjoyed chapter two, here. Now I'm looking forward to the next installment.

Which leads me to the bad news: You're a writer, Luna. You're officially a writer. There's no denying it. And that means that you're just going to have to keep on writing, you know? Because that's what writers do! :D

Okay, I'll admit, you had me sweating there for a second. I really value your opinions, and to think you found some major fault in this had me quivering for a bit, like I was afraid to let down my idol or something, you know?

Quote:
Okay, with that silliness aside, I want to thank you again for sharing this with us!

As others have mentioned, I think you did some wonderful character work with Sig, here. I think that his journal sections are some of the strongest in the piece -- you really developed a good, vivid first-person voice for him, and, in those instances where Sig is narrating things directly, I think it helps to contextualize some of the worldbuilding you do for Ava.

Sig has a genuine enthusiasm about him, and a genuine sense of wonder. Yet, at the same time, there's clearly something going on beneath the surface. He has a past, and a curious one at that. And he has a mission that he's on, and that mission is just as curious as his past.

I won't say that either is ominous, per se, but that particular word did float through my mind...

I'll say again that I am quite glad and even relieved that I managed to convey Sig without being overbearing with any of his little quirks. I'm also a little surprised that people have taken such a notice of him; I mean, I know I set it up with the mysterious past and all that jazz, but I didn't expect him to garner quite this much attention. I'm waiting to get around to an event much later down the line where he revealed just what is up with his past. It's already happened in my mind, but I'll need to find out when it happened.

Quote:
So, yeah, I'm very interested to learn more about what's going on here, and to see what happens next.

Also, Luna, you have a very good sense of humor in this piece, and you deploy it at just the right moments -- which is a really difficult thing to do! For example, look at how sections two and three end:

I have a trip to the Aerie already planned for later today. Will see when I can write of the experience. With any luck, my "employers" won't deduct anything for a little sight-seeing. What else am I supposed to do but just wait here?


Lyra briefly considered pushing him of the rock.

Both those remarks are clever, and funny. But look at the different work they do. The first serves to step-up the tension, and the mystery. The second cuts it, and lets the reader laugh.

That's good stuff. :)

I'll be completely honest here: I was merely the conducting rod for those moments there. I didn't write in Sig's journal, Sig did. Lyra was the one thinking it, I just wrote it down. I'm not even sure how Sig could have seen Monty Python, but it seems that he has. I think 90% of this chapter was actually written in two spurts wherein I was merely writing down what I knew to be true.

Quote:
The only moment in the piece that rang a little off to me was the Council's impatient reaction to Sig's request. They barely let the poor guy get a word in edgewise, which seemed a little bit odd, given that I got the impression that they had convened an audience specifically to hear him out? Presumably, the aven who run to serve on the Council do so because they want to, so I was surprised that they seemed so perturbed about having to hear a petition. I guess their attitude might have made more sense to me if Sig had been the last petitioner at the end of a long day, or something like that. But, seeing as they'd all shown up to hear his piece, I wondered why they sort of cut him off as quickly as they did.

But that's a minor, minor thing. I really enjoyed reading this story, and I'm really looking forward to reading anything else that you might share in the future.

Huh. I didn't think about that. Whether described in the Ihn Gallad style guide or I've headcanoned it into now effectively canon (at least if I ever finish this story and it gets voted in), I was under the impression that the Ava council members don't run, but are chosen more or less randomly from the citizenship, making each council member a working member of the Ava society. I think they were bothered more because they were called together for this one outsider rather than him getting in line or waiting for a day when they take care of council-y things. I don't think I can make an apt comparison since I've never had a desk job.

Also, while I never noticed them as the council assembled, I always saw a handful of human faces on the council and one or two ratfolk. I'm not sure how many non-birds live in Ava but it surprised me to see them there.

Quote:
Because you're a writer, you know? :D

Thanks again for posting, Luna!

And I thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Every comment anyone makes means the world to me.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 8:51 am 
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It might be worthwhile adding in just a little exposition to clarify what's going on with the counsel since that seems like a pretty interesting tidbit of information.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 2:31 pm 
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It might be worthwhile adding in just a little exposition to clarify what's going on with the counsel since that seems like a pretty interesting tidbit of information.

I do need to make a few small tweaks to this, so I can probably come up with a line to insert somewhere.

I still need to come up with a naming scheme for the chapters,* then I need to decide whether I really want chapter opening quotes like I've been tossing around in my head (and subsequently come up with a chapter quote for each chapter), I need to replace those paragraphs of that first journal entry, etc..


* my mind has actually thrown at me the horrible idea of naming them along the lines of "In Which Something Happens", so that the opening chapters would be "In Which Lyssia Crutoriae is Introduced" and "In Which We Meet Sig" and so on.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 3:47 pm 
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I don't think that's a horrible idea. It's got a long pedigree certainly as a naming convention.


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PostPosted: Thu Jul 30, 2015 10:05 pm 
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Okay, I'll admit, you had me sweating there for a second. I really value your opinions, and to think you found some major fault in this had me quivering for a bit, like I was afraid to let down my idol or something, you know?

Sorry! Wasn't trying to make you sweat, I promise!

Besides, nothing you write is ever going to "let me down." First of all, writing is *hard,* and if bad writing was a cause for disappointment, then I'd have had to stop looking myself in the mirror a loooooooong time ago. More importantly, though, the fact that you are One Cool Cat is in no way predicated on your (excellent!) writing ability.


I'll be completely honest here: I was merely the conducting rod for those moments there. I didn't write in Sig's journal, Sig did. Lyra was the one thinking it, I just wrote it down. I'm not even sure how Sig could have seen Monty Python, but it seems that he has. I think 90% of this chapter was actually written in two spurts wherein I was merely writing down what I knew to be true.

Sometimes that happens! Sometimes, the characters just talk, and your job is just to take dictation as accurately as you can!

Anyway, I hope that was a fun experience. :)


Huh. I didn't think about that. Whether described in the Ihn Gallad style guide or I've headcanoned it into now effectively canon (at least if I ever finish this story and it gets voted in), I was under the impression that the Ava council members don't run, but are chosen more or less randomly from the citizenship, making each council member a working member of the Ava society.

Maybe I had the wrong impression, then. I thought that, at some point, the Council was described as "democratic," so I guess I assumed they were elected.


I think they were bothered more because they were called together for this one outsider rather than him getting in line or waiting for a day when they take care of council-y things.

That seems like something that one of the Councilors could totally grumble about. I can hear someone asking Sig, "Tell us, what's so important that it couldn't wait until our public session?"


And I thank you for taking the time to read and comment. Every comment anyone makes means the world to me.

Hey, thank you for doing the hard part, so that I get to do the fun part!


* my mind has actually thrown at me the horrible idea of naming them along the lines of "In Which Something Happens", so that the opening chapters would be "In Which Lyssia Crutoriae is Introduced" and "In Which We Meet Sig" and so on.

I don't think that's a horrible idea. It's got a long pedigree certainly as a naming convention.

I'm 100-percent with Keeper -- there's officially nothing wrong with that idea. I love those sorts of names.

I think that, at one point, one of the sections in "Climb Every Mountain" was subtitled: "In which birds are discussed, a stag does not appear, and a choice of clothing proves fortuitous." :)

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