It was nice to write something more on the humorous side of things. Really glad, again, that the elves were funny rather than tedious. Although I feel kinda bad for locking future writers into writing Valjan elvish dialogue in iambs
@Barinellos: You're always busy though
Kinda disappointed I haven't heard from Jedi yet though since this involves some of his material.
It was nice to write something more on the humorous side of things. Really glad, again, that the elves were funny rather than tedious. Although I feel kinda bad for locking future writers into writing Valjan elvish dialogue in iambs
Well, I'm sure they can code shift as the situation dictates. Kind of like how, when I'm at work, every third word out of my mouth is a curse word, whereas when I'm calling my grandmother on the phone, I adjust my tone so that, say, only every fifth word out of my mouth is a curse word.
And, to be clear, while this story is hilarious, I don't want to make it sound like I'm pigeon-holing it as a humor piece. It is that, but it also has great action moments, and some dramas, too. It's a very nice piece.
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"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green
There's a lot to say, but unfortunately I would have had to say it in the moment, and those moments have passed. I shall, therefore, endeavor to choose the top of them
A: I find it peculiar, and maybe somewhat fitting, that those tied to Raleris, in one way or another all seem to favor a static existence, and it would seem, most often, to avoid confronting things. Krish spent his many seasons on Ameran, Raleris locks himself away in the library, and Maral sequesters herself in the vault. It's just an interesting character phenomenon. B: Kirsh is... kind of an emotional guy, huh? C: It's a shame that the title comes so readily to the finger, and yet it's... horrifying to consider the circumstances of the meeting that springs to mind. I'll just leave the title here and you can all stare at it in uncomfortable, knowing silence for a while as the implications set in.
"Birds of a Feather"
D: The tone was utterly unique in the best kind of way. I don't think I could probably mimic the style in a meaningful length, but it does add to the vague sense of dissatisfaction I have with a few parts of From the Vault. E: Now you have another story down Keeper! And more to go with everything said. The work is never done.
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost. Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind. To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"
Yeah, it's kinda true. They're shut in sorta characters. It'd be interesting to see what effect someone more outgoing would have on the little circle...
Kirsh is... emotional but can manage himself in a crisis. I've been trying to walk that line with him and I hope it's been working. Like I think I've been giving him enough quick thinking moments here where he's crucial to the action or thinks strategically. He's clever but he's got a lot of hangups and needs sometimes to be shocked out of being upset.
Remember Jedi was proposing like ages ago that Agmund should arrest Huinn accidentally while going after Kirsh? Or maybe the reverse.
Glad the tone worked It's definitely... different. I seem to be fitting into a weird niche of humor with elements of horror or horror with elements of humor (as with Eyes). Not honestly sure how that happened. Probably I listen to too much goth music. Also for some reason Raleris comes really easy to me. Probably because I am a blowhard???
I'm enjoying writing again. It's refreshing.
Thanks for taking the time for this. I know it's kinda huge. =_=
Yeah, it's kinda true. They're shut in sorta characters. It'd be interesting to see what effect someone more outgoing would have on the little circle...
I know we kind of use her as our catch all, but I feel like Maral and Aloise REALLY need to meet.
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Remember Jedi was proposing like ages ago that Agmund should arrest Huinn accidentally while going after Kirsh? Or maybe the reverse.
That was before The War of the Wheel. You know the funniest thing about that? Raven's taken the bird to a place that I never really meant him to go. Which is fine, Raven, this isn't a complaint, and he's always been something between Open and Public anyways. But I never meant for him to display power enough to even put Oldwalkers on edge. I'm perfectly content with how he's being written, it's just been unexpected. The point, as longwinded as it is, is that Huinn has become far more dangerous and psychotic than projected, and if Kirsh continues to search for madness, if he ran into it Huinn, it's... I have no idea how Kirsh would react. In some ways, in terms of skills, they are just such a twisted mirror of each other now. Which, to some degree is fairly ironic considering their origins.
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Also for some reason Raleris comes really easy to me. Probably because I am a blowhard???
I can offer no speculation for you there. Maybe it's the same reason why I insist Alessa be foul mouthed, knowing full well the censors are going to kick in anyways.
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I'm enjoying writing again. It's refreshing.
I'm tempted to make some joke about enslaving you, but... I don't have the energy.
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Thanks for taking the time for this. I know it's kinda huge. =_=
There are parts that were, admittedly, harder to get through than others there.
_________________
At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost. Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind. To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"
To the point where they should be modified? Like, is this stuff that needs revising or just a general difference of tastes?
And yeah, now Kirsh and Huinn would be... a very interesting combo, I'd say. There's potential there.
I'll happily leave that to someone else though. For now I'm very consciously not planning ANYTHING with ANY of these characters and planes, except for Raleris himself.
To the point where they should be modified? Like, is this stuff that needs revising or just a general difference of tastes?
It worked fine, it was just a bit of a hump for me to get over. Orcish really liked those parts, but I just found it harder to get through.
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And yeah, now Kirsh and Huinn would be... a very interesting combo, I'd say. There's potential there.
It's a scary combo to consider at this point. As much as Kirsh dealt with in Asher, I don't think he'd be prepared for Huinn...
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I'll happily leave that to someone else though. For now I'm very consciously not planning ANYTHING with ANY of these characters and planes, except for Raleris himself.
Yeah, Raleris has done his bit for all of this and it's time to focus elsewhere.
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost. Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind. To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"
I still think it's really funny that my first fully M:EM story in years is one that I literally started throwing together just because I wanted to suggest an edit to the way Valjan functions.
And then I picked the characters more or less at random.
Well I mean, I wrote Two Bullets because someone was asking for stories to flesh out Jakkard and you mentioned that Fisco would be a perfect fit.
Sometimes, we have stories that need to written, and we're the only ones who can write them! I don't know about all of you, but I get just as much joy from finishing a story (regardless of content) as I do from all the critique I receive afterward (also regardless of content).
It's nice knowing people are reading - which reminds me that I have a few things to comment on...
I still think it's really funny that my first fully M:EM story in years is one that I literally started throwing together just because I wanted to suggest an edit to the way Valjan functions.
And then I picked the characters more or less at random.
Well I mean, I wrote Two Bullets because someone was asking for stories to flesh out Jakkard and you mentioned that Fisco would be a perfect fit.
Sometimes, we have stories that need to written, and we're the only ones who can write them! I don't know about all of you, but I get just as much joy from finishing a story (regardless of content) as I do from all the critique I receive afterward (also regardless of content).
Hell, it seems like the majority of my stuff is written this way.
Anyway, Keeper, I have now read this, and I love it. It's very, very good. I was a little sad to see the "talking to the water" bit go, but I enjoyed the elves a lot, and I think this route was better, particularly when it got to the endgame. Kirsh getting pissed off at the speech proclivities of the elves was priceless. I noticed several typos and small mistakes, which I will list here, but they didn't do much to take me out of the story, overall. Because of the length, I didn't note where these mistakes were, apart from which of the two sections they came from.
Spoiler
Part One
"incovenient" rather than 'inconvenient'
They phrase "Excessively meddled with many centuries ago" reads awkwardly to me. I think the main problem is with the word "many."
"for those his tone was polite" - 'for though this tone...'
"There was a burst of magic of in the distance" - 'off in the distance'
"marvelled" - should be spelled marveled. This one came up at least three times
"When you snapped your figures like that" - 'snapped your fingers like that.'
"Sterner Stuff" - doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, and this is purely personal, you understand, I hate that phrase...
"It was another hour, perhaps, before we came to a small outpost, large enough, perhaps, for..." - the two 'perhaps' interjections here were a little distracting to me.
"Oh thank god" - Out of curiosity, which god is Kirsh referring to here?
Part Two
As Ruwin pointed out, you slip back to the name Luscelez at least twice here. However, more than that, you also alternate between Lasale (with an "a") and Lesale (with an "e") several times. All of this combined to make me laugh out loud when Elnor says "Has grim Lasale now met a fate as grim as was his name?"
"It's a long story," Kirsh sighed." - you have an unnecessary quotation mark after sighed.
Finally, when Raleris is chatting with Kirsh afterward, he refers to "these books" as if he were in the Infinite Library, but he isn't any more.
But again, those typos and simple mistakes were all pretty minor. I really like this story. I like how casually Raleris talks about cooking his Beebles, and how quickly Kirsh gets sick of listening to Raleris's litany thereof, which was nice foreshadowing to the bird's annoyance with the elves. Kirsh's reaction at Renn leaving his coat behind was a great touch, too. I'm sure there a numerous other little moments I wanted to comment on that I'm not remembering at the moment, so I'll just say, overall, excellent work!
That was before The War of the Wheel. You know the funniest thing about that? Raven's taken the bird to a place that I never really meant him to go. Which is fine, Raven, this isn't a complaint, and he's always been something between Open and Public anyways. But I never meant for him to display power enough to even put Oldwalkers on edge. I'm perfectly content with how he's being written, it's just been unexpected. The point, as longwinded as it is, is that Huinn has become far more dangerous and psychotic than projected, and if Kirsh continues to search for madness, if he ran into it Huinn, it's... I have no idea how Kirsh would react. In some ways, in terms of skills, they are just such a twisted mirror of each other now. Which, to some degree is fairly ironic considering their origins.
I seem to do this with a LOT of characters. And even though I know this isn't a complaint, as you say, it does make me wish I had done things a little differently. Oh, well. I'm pretty happy with how Huinn is turning out, and as long as you don't have a problem with it, we should be pretty good...
I was sorry to see the talking to the water scene go too but I couldn't figure out how to get Lasale in without that scene being redundant. I might resurrect it for a later story though since I like the basic idea quite a lot.
Some of those typos might be not typos but British spellings. For some reason my spellcheck is set on British/Canadian English now and it's causing me a LOT of confusion.
Some of those typos might be not typos but British spellings. For some reason my spellcheck is set on British/Canadian English now and it's causing me a LOT of confusion.
Yeah, I didn't mention some of them because I knew they were British English, like "-our" words instead of "-or".
But yeah, as with all of my comments on everything, feel free to ignore the ones you disagree with.
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5701 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
Yeah, of those Raven listed, I think smoulder and wonderous are British spellings (don't take my word, it's just a hunch). Weirdly, I tend to favor several British spellings that I wasn't taught, though not all British English. I... can't think of any offhand, but you may have noticed it in my posts over time.
Anyway, if this is 13K words, it'll make a nice read. I may need to get at it sooner rather than later in that case.
Were there any moments that felt off to you? Any non-typo/wording stuff that should be revised?
Not really. I thought the whole thing worked pretty well, and nothing seemed out of place to me. I guess I did find myself wondering why they didn't just try to stop Lasale instead of waiting until the ritual, but it was a small point.
Also, and I only just thought of this now, how does the insubstantibility (totally a word... ) of Renn work? He seems to wear a physical coat, and seems to be physically buried by the books before later phasing through them. Now, at no point do I think this is a problem for your narrative, I'm just wondering how Renn functions...
He can phase in and out of substantiality at will. He normally, as is implied, would not leave his coat behind to do it however. Sometimes he goes completely invisible.
Why didn't he go invisible from the start?
Because then there'd be no story. Or at least not a story remotely resembling this story.
He can phase in and out of substantiality at will. He normally, as is implied, would not leave his coat behind to do it however. Sometimes he goes completely invisible.
Why didn't he go invisible from the start?
Because then there'd be no story. Or at least not a story remotely resembling this story.
Yeah, I agree, sometimes you just have to ask for a certain suspension of disbelief. You know, like I do...in pretty much everything I write...
He can phase in and out of substantiality at will. He normally, as is implied, would not leave his coat behind to do it however. Sometimes he goes completely invisible.
Why didn't he go invisible from the start?
Because then there'd be no story. Or at least not a story remotely resembling this story.
Yeah, I agree, sometimes you just have to ask for a certain suspension of disbelief. You know, like I do...in pretty much everything I write...
In my office, we like to say that characters do things "for videogame reasons." Such as:
Player: "Why is the monster attacking me here?" Designer: "For videogame reasons."
_________________
"And remember, I'm pullin' for ya, 'cause we're all in this together." - Red Green
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) of Renn work? He seems to wear a physical coat, and seems to be physically buried by the books before later phasing through them. Now, at no point do I think this is a problem for your narrative, I'm just wondering how Renn functions...