Coria had ran out the gates, and kept running until she had to stop to catch her breath. She was now a pretty good distance away from the wolf kingdom, about a quarter of a mile or so. After finally getting her second wind, she stood up and looked back at former home, tears still present in her eyes.
She then muttered to herself, "What did I do...? What have I done to deserve this...?".
With a heavy heart, she then turned around and walked away, still devastated by the recent events that transpired. She continued on through the vast plains, passing large groves, small lakes, and even a blue mana fox settlement, which she made a point to stay far away from. Various skeletons of fallen soldiers from all sides started to appear the deeper Coria went. She normally wasn't fond of rotting things but in her grief stricken stupor, she really didn't care now. Various wild non-sentient animals, which would've at least tried to push Coria away from their territories, just stood still and stared, as though they could feel her grief and angst.
Night had started to fall and Coria's hunger and thirst had finally caught up with her. Feeling weak from her travels, Coria's head hung low and was barely able to walk now. Her stomach growling and her mouth dry, she wondered if this was how it would end for her. She then looked up and realized that she had walked into a settlement and didn't even know it. Before she could act though, she quickly saw that there was nobody else here. It seemed as though this place had been abandoned some time ago. Large white tents littered the place, most tattered in some form. Small fire pits, much like the ones from her former home were also scattered around. One near her was even still smoldering.
Coria then noticed what looked like a lone pot near the smoldering fire. She slowly made her way to it and saw it had some sort of thick brown liquid with meat chunks in it. Her brain immediately guessed it was some sort of food and with a sudden burst of adrenaline, in no time at all she devoured the entire contents of the pot, not caring for a second that it was cold. She then laid on the ground on her back for about several minutes, after which she began to regain her strength.
She then started to get back up, quickly noticing a small strange device made of glass and iron by her feet. She picked it up and saw that it had a rounded iron cap, and also a flat bottom and cage that was also made of iron. Inside the cage was an enclosed clear glass cylinder. The bottom had what looked like a dial, though Coria wasn't too sure. She decided then twist the dial, in which the device produced a bright white light. The resulting light did almost blind her, but she quickly figured out that it could be adjusted.
After adjusting the light to something less blinding, Coria decided to explore the settlement more to see if there was more food and maybe something to drink. Night had now completely fallen and if not for the light device she held, she'd be wandering blind in the dark. After some time, she quickly found what looked like an open crate. Looking in it, she found glass bottles with corks in the mouth of it and strange colored liquid contents, and boxes made of a material unfamiliar to her, which had what looked like to her small, round, and sealed containers that were flat on the top and bottom, and made of what looked like iron but gave off a sheen unlike it.
She took one of the metal containers, trying to see how to open them. She then saw in the crate what looked like a knife but had a half circle shape on the end with two jagged points on either side of it. After a bit of thought, Coria figured that maybe it was something to get the metal containers open. After repeated jabs with the strange knife into the top of the container, she was finally able to get it open. She saw in it that it was more of that thick liquid she consumed earlier from the pot. Without a second thought, she quickly consumed it, still not caring it was cold. She then decided to open one of the bottles and took a sip from it. The flavor was rather sweet and it left a kind of tingling feeling in her mouth, which Coria rather enjoyed. She attempted to guzzle the rest of the bottle, though she nearly gagged as the tingling feeling was now rather overpowering from doing that. After some time though, the feeling went away.
"Wow! That was strong." exclaimed Coria. "Ok, note to self, do not guzzle these." She then saw a lone wooden chair nearby. Her legs tired from standing so long, she went over and sat down in it. She then put the light device down next to her, and began to play music in her head. In a now calm state, she closed her eyes and then started to physically move her arms and fingers in the air as if she was playing her old lute. She suddenly noticed that the music got louder, as though someone else was playing right next to her. She quickly opened her eyes and looked around, but there was still nobody. She then looked down and saw a red glowing lute with more jagged edges on it's body. She then quickly realized that she was actually holding it.
Coria quickly stood up in shock, still holding the strange lute by the neck in one hand. After staring at it for several seconds, she tend started to pluck it's strings with her free hand, with it making sounds as she did. It then suddenly disappeared. Coria could only stare in awe. What was that thing, and how did it come to her in the first place? Remembering that it appeared when she started to think of music, Coria began to play the same song in her head again. The glowing lute then started to materialize in her right hand right in from of her. Coria was just awestruck. She couldn't believe that she could just summon this out of thin air. A big smile formed on her face. She then sat back down on the chair and started to play with zeal. For the first time in a long time, Coria felt truly happy.
Coria had ran - Either Coria ran, or Coria had run. Past tense or past perfect. Don't use "ran" with "had." out the gates, and kept running until she had to stop to catch her breath. She was now a pretty good distance away from the wolf kingdom, about a quarter of a mile or so. - At this point, I need to say that I'm very unclear about the size of the Wolf kingdom. When I think kingdom, I think big. Some passages, especially this one, make it seem like it's literally one city. Why does the kingdom end at the city walls? After finally getting her second wind, she stood up and looked back at her former home, tears still present in her eyes.
She then muttered to herself, "What did I do...? What have I done to deserve this...?". - You ended your sentence with the question mark. There is no need for the period.
With a heavy heart, she then turned around and walked away, still devastated by the recent events that transpired. She continued on through the vast plains, passing large groves, small lakes, and even a blue mana- typically, in fiction, mana color isn't mentioned, and even if you do, this instance of it adds nothing. fox settlement, which she made a point to stay far away from. Various skeletons of fallen soldiers from all sides started to appear the deeper- I would say "further" rather than "deeper," because "deeper" implies descent into something, like a lake or a cave. It's up to you, though. Coria went. She normally wasn't fond of rotting things, but in her grief stricken stupor, she really didn't care now. Various wild non-sentient animals, which would've at least tried to push Coria away from their territories, just stood still and stared, as though they could feel her grief and angst.
Night had started to fall and Coria's hunger and thirst had finally caught up with her. Feeling weak from her travels, Coria's head hung low and she was barely able to walk now. Her stomach growling and her mouth dry, she wondered if this was how it would end for her. She then looked up and realized that she had walked into a settlement and didn't even know it. Before she could act though, she quickly saw that there was nobody else there. It seemed as though this place had been abandoned some time ago. Large white tents littered the place, most tattered in some form. Small fire pits, much like the ones from her former home were also scattered around. One near her was even still smoldering.
Coria then noticed what looked like a lone pot near the smoldering fire. She slowly made her way to it and saw it had some sort of thick brown liquid with meat chunks in it. Her brain immediately guessed it was some sort of food and with a sudden burst of adrenaline, and in no time at all, she devoured the entire contents of the pot, not caring for a second that it was cold. She then laid on the ground on her back for about several minutes, after which she began to regain her strength.
She then started to get back up, quickly noticing a small strange device made of glass and iron by her feet. She picked it up and saw that it had a rounded iron cap, and also a flat bottom and a cage that was also made of iron. Inside the cage was an enclosed clear glass cylinder. The bottom had what looked like a dial, though Coria wasn't too sure. She decided then to twist the dial, in which caused the device to produced a bright white light. - Three rhyming words in a row are really going to catch your reader's attention, and probably not in a good way. The resulting light did almost blinded her, but she quickly figured out that it could be adjusted.
After adjusting the light to something less blinding, Coria decided to explore the settlement more to see if there was more food and maybe something to drink. Night had now completely fallen and if not for the light device she held, she'd be wandering blindly in the dark. After some time, she quickly found what looked like an open crate. Looking in it, she found glass bottles with corks in the mouth of it and strange colored liquid contents, and boxes made of a material unfamiliar to her, which had what looked like to her small, round, and sealed containers that were flat on the top and bottom, and made of what looked like iron but gave off a sheen unlike it.
She took one of the metal containers, trying to see how to open them. She then saw in the crate what looked like a knife but had a half circle shape on the end with two jagged points on either side of it. After a bit of thought, Coria figured that maybe it was something to get the metal containers open. After repeated jabs with the strange knife into the top of the container, she was finally able to get it open. She saw in it that it was more of that thick liquid she consumed earlier from the pot. Without a second thought, she quickly consumed it, still not caring that it was cold. She then decided to open one of the bottles and took a sip from it. The flavor was rather sweet and it left a kind of tingling feeling in her mouth, which Coria rather enjoyed. She attempted to guzzle the rest of the bottle, though she nearly gagged as the tingling feeling was now rather overpowering from doing that. After some time though, the feeling went away.
"Wow! That was strong." exclaimed Coria. "Ok, note to self, - This is a very modern phrase, and not one that I would ever use in a fantasy setting. do not guzzle these." She then saw a lone wooden chair nearby. Her legs tired from standing so long, she went over and sat down in it. She then put the light device down next to her, and began to play music in her head. In a now calm state, she closed her eyes and then started to physically move her arms and fingers in the air as if she waswere playing her old lute. She suddenly noticed that the music got louder, as though someone else was playing right next to her. She quickly opened her eyes and looked around, but there was still nobody. She then looked down and saw a red glowing lute with more jagged edges on it's body. She then quickly realized that she was actually holding it.
Coria quickly stood up in shock, still holding the strange lute by the neck in one hand. After staring at it for several seconds, she tend started to pluck it'sits strings with her free hand, with it making sounds as she did. It then suddenly disappeared. Coria could only stare in awe. What was that thing, and how did it come to her in the first place? Remembering that it appeared when she started to think of music, Coria began to play the same song in her head again. The glowing lute then started to materialize in her right hand right in from of her. Coria was just awestruck. She couldn't believe that she could just summon this out of thin air. A big smile formed on her face. She then sat back down on the chair and started to play with zeal. For the first time in a long time, Coria felt truly happy.
I don't have a great deal to say about this. Not a whole lot happens, but I assume Coria's accidentally getting drunk, which I further assume is the pay-off to the story of the ancient wolf who got powers from alcohol, and she starts figuring out how to use magic. One thing I think needs to be addressed is the size of Haltia. On one hand, the Wolf Kingdom is either incredibly small, or its capital is for some reason on the literal border of the kingdom. On the other hand, Coria walks through what appears to be a very large area filled with numerous bio-regions. It leaves an unclear picture in the readers' minds.
Coria's walking is another issue. Now, I know that Coria isn't human, but she's been described in very humanoid ways with typical human weaknesses. Human move an average of just over three miles an hour over even ground, depending on size, and Coria is not particularly tall. So while she was running for the first quarter mile, you describe her as stopping then. We also know that she would have left around noon, because she and Holer were getting lunch. So, by my calculations, the most she could believably be away in a single afternoon of walking is 18 miles, and even that is probably high without any food or water and travelling around settlements and lakes. All I'm getting at here is that I have a very unclear picture of how big Haltia is.
Also, it only took Holer a couple of minutes to realize Coria was gone, and a few more to learn the story. I'd say that Coria, at BEST, had a half hour lead on the guards looking for her, and they knew where to look. I find it a little difficult to believe that full-grown Wolf guards wouldn't have overtaken her, especially considering she only ran one quarter of a mile. An athletic person could probably run a quarter of a mile in about a minute, maybe a little more. Walking could cover that in about five minutes. Wolfs, I imagine, would travel even faster. So that's an issue you may want to consider.
Other than that, I do think you're showing some improvement. Your sentences flow better and are generally easier to access, and your descriptions, for the most part, aren't too bad (although I did struggle visualizing the bottle opener you described.) I also found it odd how little Coria reflected on what happened. It was just one or two lines in a journey of numerous hours.
I don't have a great deal to say about this. Not a whole lot happens, but I assume Coria's accidentally getting drunk, which I further assume is the pay-off to the story of the ancient wolf who got powers from alcohol, and she starts figuring out how to use magic. One thing I think needs to be addressed is the size of Haltia. On one hand, the Wolf Kingdom is either incredibly small, or its capital is for some reason on the literal border of the kingdom. On the other hand, Coria walks through what appears to be a very large area filled with numerous bio-regions. It leaves an unclear picture in the readers' minds.
She actually didn't get drunk at all, the thing she drank is actually based off soda, lol. As for the size of Haltia, looks like I forgot a major detail about the wolf kingdom in that even though there is a section where the royalty live, there really is no true capital. Think Ravnica somewhat and it should be a bit clearer. Also, environments were never my strong point, just saying.
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Coria's walking is another issue. Now, I know that Coria isn't human, but she's been described in very humanoid ways with typical human weaknesses. Human move an average of just over three miles an hour over even ground, depending on size, and Coria is not particularly tall. So while she was running for the first quarter mile, you describe her as stopping then. We also know that she would have left around noon, because she and Holer were getting lunch. So, by my calculations, the most she could believably be away in a single afternoon of walking is 18 miles, and even that is probably high without any food or water and travelling around settlements and lakes. All I'm getting at here is that I have a very unclear picture of how big Haltia is.
As kind of said in the story, she still felt a lot of grief as she walked, which led to her feeling not much else, even hunger and thirst.
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Also, it only took Holer a couple of minutes to realize Coria was gone, and a few more to learn the story. I'd say that Coria, at BEST, had a half hour lead on the guards looking for her, and they knew where to look. I find it a little difficult to believe that full-grown Wolf guards wouldn't have overtaken her, especially considering she only ran one quarter of a mile. An athletic person could probably run a quarter of a mile in about a minute, maybe a little more. Walking could cover that in about five minutes. Wolfs, I imagine, would travel even faster. So that's an issue you may want to consider.
Oh there's a reason for why they haven't got to her yet. It'll be explained in the next chapter.
After a while, Coria began to feel a bit sleepy, not realizing just how long she was playing. After making her lute disappear, she grabbed the lantern and set out to find something to sleep in. After about a minute, she found a tent that looked mostly intact. She crawled into the tent, finding that there was still some sort of thick bedding on the floor. She turned off the lantern then lied down on the bedding. Despite there being no covers, she didn't care as it was good enough for her.
Coria couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard she tried though. Thought after thought of her former home and how she pretty much abandoned everyone there wouldn't let her be. She eventually felt like she was going to start crying, but then she heard a girl's voice outside. At first, she figured it was just her imagination, but then she heard it again in a panicked tone, saying how of how was this happening and why, and what did she ever do to deserve this.
Though still a bit sleepy, she quickly got up, grabbed the lantern, turned it back on, and went outside to see who it was, though she was being careful about it just in case it was to be hostile. She faintly saw a figure close by, but then it said, "AH! No! Stay away!", and ran away. Coria decided to give chase, which didn't last long as the mysterious figure, shortly after running off, had run right into a nearby large crate and fell onto the ground as a result. Coria had quickly caught up, saying for the figure to stop and that she wasn't going to hurt whoever it was.
She shined her light on the figure and revealed it to be a young girl, roughly about Coria's age. She had many of the features Coria had, with the same quills running down the sides and back of her head but longer, and the same kind of hair, eyes, and muzzle. Only real differences were the fact that she was black in color and that she wore a green long sleeved tunic made out of giant leaves, black tight shorts, and white shoes. Her eyes were also a bright red instead of green like Coria. They at first both stared at each other for a while in amazement. Eventually, the other girl spoke, "I thought I was the only one like me...Wh-who are you?". Coria put the lantern down, then helped the girl up to her feet, then told her that her name was Coria, which the girl quickly replied, "I'm Veil".
Veil then asked Coria what was someone like her doing out here. Coria quickly asked her the same out of instinct. Veil was afraid Coria wouldn't believe her but figured she had nothing to lose so she began telling her of how she was in a Treefolk Garden, a place where reclusive treefolk appear on rare occasions. She was wandering out on her own, feeling like an outcast to everyone else, when a treefolk had emerged. She wasn't sure why it did what it did, but it suddenly picked up a large, dead, log, and was about to swing it and crush her with it. Veil was sure she'd be dead, but suddenly began to see strange images. Just before she was hit, she was suddenly now in a large graveyard. Cold and dark, it made her rather unsettled. Not sure what to make of her situation, she barely took a step forward when she heard an unsettling moan. A zombie was right behind her, about to bite. In sheer panic, she cowered, wanting to go home now. Suddenly, she ended up here, no more graveyard, no more zombie.
Veil then asked an awe struck Coria where was she now. Coria snapped out of it, which then she told her she was on Haltia, though unsure why she's ask that at all.
"Wait," Veil began to say. "I'm on Haltia?" She then breathed a sigh of relief, saying that Haltia was her home and that she was glad she made it back. Coria was rather confused now, having no idea what to make of all this. She then suddenly remembered a story her father once told her, about the human faction leader Geral, and how he was a planeswalker, able to go to other worlds and explore, though he often chose not to, in order to properly lead his people. Thinking back on that, she wondered if Veil was possibly one too. She then figured she'd tell Veil that Haltia was her home too.
"Whoa! Really?", said Veil in surprise. She couldn't believe that both of them were actually born on this world. She then asked Coria if she knew if there were any others like them. Coria simply said no, she didn't. Veil was a little disappointed in that, but was still happy there was someone else like her.
Coria now figured that Veil needed to know the truth, about the fact that she was a walker. Before she could say anything though, she heard a loud voice saying, "Hey! What's that light there?" Both of them turned around to see more lights, coming closer rather fast. Before long, they were surrounded by a bunch of human men, machetes raised at them. Veil cowered behind Coria, asking what was happening.
Coria wasn't sure what else to do but simply say, "Don't worry Veil, it's going to be ok, I think...."
Re: Chapter 6. My biggest issue here is that the whole thing reads kind of dry, with nearly everything being presented in recap form, which tends to bury the emotion. I think if you showed us the actual conversation between Coria and Veil, the information you reveal to us would have much more emotional weight to it.
There are also several language issues that are not my personal taste, modern stuff like "Whoa, really?" That kind of thing.
Finally, I'm concerned about the planeswalker ratio here. Haltia seems to be a relatively small plane, and yet we already know of three planeswalkers there, which is approaching the high limit for even the busy canon planes, with the exception of Dominaria, which as the planar nexus makes sense to have a lot. I also have trouble wrapping my head around the odds that there seem to be only two creatures like Coria and Veil on the entire plane, and they both happen to be (or will be) planeswalkers.
Not a bad addition overall, but I feel you could have done more to build the tension and the emotion of the moment.
Re: Chapter 6. My biggest issue here is that the whole thing reads kind of dry, with nearly everything being presented in recap form, which tends to bury the emotion. I think if you showed us the actual conversation between Coria and Veil, the information you reveal to us would have much more emotional weight to it.
There are also several language issues that are not my personal taste, modern stuff like "Whoa, really?" That kind of thing.
Finally, I'm concerned about the planeswalker ratio here. Haltia seems to be a relatively small plane, and yet we already know of three planeswalkers there, which is approaching the high limit for even the busy canon planes, with the exception of Dominaria, which as the planar nexus makes sense to have a lot. I also have trouble wrapping my head around the odds that there seem to be only two creatures like Coria and Veil on the entire plane, and they both happen to be (or will be) planeswalkers.
Not a bad addition overall, but I feel you could have done more to build the tension and the emotion of the moment.
As always, thanks for posting.
Well, that flopped then. Also, if I ever get to it, I'll start going to other areas of Haltia in the next chapter or so, to give a better scope of the size of Haltia.
Oh, and:
Spoiler
I also have trouble wrapping my head around the odds that there seem to be only two creatures like Coria and Veil on the entire plane, and they both happen to be (or will be) planeswalkers.
You'll see about there being only two eventually, don't worry.
Well, that flopped then. Also, if I ever get to it, I'll start going to other areas of Haltia in the next chapter or so, to give a better scope of the size of Haltia.
Well, I wouldn't say it "flopped." I liked the information that was presented in this chapter, just not the way it was presented. It all goes back to that famous "Show, don't tell" mantra in creative writing. I just think that this is an instance where it would be a lot more powerful to hear this stuff told to us by the characters rather than by the narrator. Keep in mind, this is the first time we're meeting Veil, so getting a sense of her voice is pretty important.
I liked the information that was presented in this chapter, just not the way it was presented
That's kind of why I said it was a flop. It's like no matter how I say it, it's never right. That's not to say I don't agree with you on some points but just saying.
After a while, Coria began to feel a bit sleepy, not realizing just how long she was playing. After making her lute disappear, she grabbed the lantern and set out to find something to sleep in. After about a minute, she found a tent that looked mostly intact. She crawled into the tent, finding that there was still some sort of thick bedding on the floor. She turned off the lantern then lied down on the bedding. Despite there being no covers, she didn't care as it was good enough for her.
Coria couldn't fall asleep no matter how hard she tried though. Thought after thought of her former home and how she pretty much abandoned everyone there wouldn't let her be. She eventually felt like she was going to start crying, but then she heard a girl's voice outside. At first, she figured it was just her imagination, but then she heard it again in a panicked tone, saying how of how was this happening and why, and what did she ever do to deserve this.
Though still a bit sleepy, she quickly got up, grabbed the lantern, turned it back on, and went outside to see who it was, though she was being careful about it just in case it was to be hostile. She faintly saw a figure close by, but then it said, "AH! No! Stay away!", and ran away. Coria decided to give chase, which didn't last long as the mysterious figure, shortly after running off, had run right into a nearby large crate and fell onto the ground as a result. Coria had quickly caught up, saying for the figure to stop and that she wasn't going to hurt whoever it was.
She shined her light on the figure and revealed it to be a young girl, roughly about Coria's age. She had many of the features Coria had, with the same quills running down the sides and back of her head but longer, and the same kind of hair, eyes, and muzzle. Only real differences were the fact that she was black in color and that she wore a green long sleeved tunic made out of giant leaves, black tight shorts, and white shoes. Her eyes were also a bright red instead of green like Coria. They at first both stared at each other for a while in amazement. Eventually, the other girl spoke, "I thought I was the only one like me...Wh-who are you?". Coria put the lantern down, then helped the girl up to her feet, in which she said "I'm Coria", which the girl quickly replied, "I'm Veil".
Veil then asked Coria what was someone like her doing out here. Coria quickly asked her the same out of instinct. Veil was afraid Coria wouldn't believe her but figured she had nothing to lose now. "Do you know what a Treefolk Garden is?", she began to say. Coria only looked on, puzzled. Veil then figured the answer was no, so she explained it a place where reclusive treefolk appear on rare occasions. She was wandering out on her own, feeling like an outcast to everyone else, when a treefolk had emerged. She wasn't sure why it did what it did, but it suddenly picked up a large, dead, log, and was about to swing it and crush her with it. Veil was sure she'd be dead, but suddenly began to see strange images. Just before she was hit, she was suddenly now in a large graveyard. Cold and dark, it made her rather unsettled. Not sure what to make of her situation, she barely took a step forward when she heard an unsettling moan. A zombie was right behind her, about to bite. In sheer panic, she cowered, wanting to go home now. Suddenly, she ended up here, no more graveyard, no more zombie.
"So...where am I now?", Veil asked a now awe struck Coria. Coria snapped out of it, which then she simply said "Um, Haltia", though unsure why she's ask that at all.
"Wait," Veil began to say. "I'm on Haltia?" She then breathed a sigh of relief, saying that Haltia was her home and that she was glad she made it back. Coria was rather confused now, having no idea what to make of all this. She then suddenly remembered a story her father once told her, about the human faction leader Geral, and how he was a planeswalker, able to go to other worlds and explore, though he often chose not to, in order to properly lead his people. Thinking back on that, she wondered if Veil was possibly one too. She then figured she'd tell Veil that Haltia was her home too.
"Wait, am I really!?", said Veil in surprise. She couldn't believe that both of them were actually born on this world. She then asked Coria if she knew if there were any others like them. "I doubt it really", she said. Veil was a little disappointed in that, but was still happy there was someone else like her.
Coria now figured that Veil needed to know the truth, about the fact that she was a walker. Before she could say anything though, she heard a loud voice saying, "Hey! What's that light there?" Both of them turned around to see more lights, coming closer rather fast. Before long, they were surrounded by a bunch of human men, machetes raised at them. Veil cowered behind Coria, asking what was happening.
Coria wasn't sure what else to do but simply say, "Don't worry Veil, it's going to be ok, I think...."
Fixed up chapter 6. Hopefully it's more to your liking now.
Now for chapter 7
Ch.7: Treasures Lost
Another human man came from the darkness, he was more decorated than the others, which had Coria think he was some sort of leader or something. After a long look at the two, the human man then said, "Interesting, neither fox nor wolf, what are you?".
"If you think I'm afraid of you, you're dead wrong. Besides, didn't you abandon this place?" said Coria with a rather scorned face.
"Seeing your position here, I'd say you better be if you want to live, I could have you killed right now." the man said back. Suddenly, a human woman rushed to his side, saying "SIR! We've just finished counting and loading the lost provisions. It seems some were gotten into but for the most part, most of it is still good." "Excellent!" the man said. "The boys at the main camp will be glad, for they've been rather starving for some more decent food."
"So you feed your "men" bare bones then?" said Coria.
The man then quickly turned towards her saying "You are starting to try my patience whatever you are. I'd suggest keeping your mouth shut or else."
Coria was now mad and started towards him but was very quickly stopped by Veil. "Coria, don't!" she said in a worried tone. "He's right in the fact that we're not in any position to fight..." As much Coria didn't want to be pushed around like this, Veil was right, she wasn't in any position to fight. With a deep sigh, she said "Alright, though I don't like it."
"Looks like at least one of you has common sense", the man then said with a chuckle. "Now, if you'll actually keep quiet, I think I may have a deal for you two"
Coria looked at him in slight surprise, then asked what kind of deal...
Meanwhile, in the Forest Domain of the fox faction, an adult female fox sat on a rather luxurious bed, depressed. She had a somewhat skinny build, with long, flowing brown hair with a large pink flower in it. She wore a green long sleeved shirt that with gold trimmings all over it, a solid green skirt with the same trimmings, and she also had knee high dark green shoes. She had green eyes that shined like emeralds, a white muzzle, and yellow gold fur. Her name was Elsa, and her room was of luxury, for she was the queen of the foxes. With various tapestries, high end rugs and wood dressers, and other items of royalty, it would make most others envious.
However, all this meant nothing, as right now, Elsa had lost something more precious to her than anything in her kingdom. A royal guard then rushed into her room, which Elsa instinctively said, "Have you found her?!". "No, I'm afraid not." the guard began to say, "But we have found out where she was last seen." Elsa stared at him with a determined look, then said "Show me...".
Back at the camp, there was no trace. Coria, Veil, the humans, all of them had now vanished.
"Are you sure she came here?"
"Yes, as a seasoned tracker, I'm not wrong"
"Suuuuure..."
"Enough arguing! It's bad enough we were so slow in actually getting a search party but the fact that she just left has sent everyone into a panic!"
A group of wolves, riding in a pig driven wheeled card, pigs that were decided to have better use being used for jobs than rather than food, had arrived to where Coria was last. The cart had red mana lanterns, some spears and bows, and various tools in case the wolves were ever in need of them. The ground where Coria was last had many footprints, too many.
One of the wolves started to panic, saying, "Oh great, some band of whatever got her! We are so going to be maimed by Triel! What are we-"
With a mighty backhand, the search party leader smacked him, telling him to shut up and that the ground had no blood and the dirt was dispersed in a way that there was not much of a struggle, if any.
With their lanterns, they then spotted the footprints going south, which lead them to nearby wheel tracks. The leader then said, "It seems Coria is likely still alive, though perhaps a prisoner now. We must hurry, not just for our sakes, but everyone else's too."
Ch.7: Treasures Lost
Another human man came from the darkness, he was more decorated than the others, which had Coria think he was some sort of leader or something. After a long look at the two, the human man then said, "Interesting, neither fox nor wolf, what are you?".
"If you think I'm afraid of you, you're dead wrong. Besides, didn't you abandon this place?" said Coria with a rather scorned face.
"Seeing your position here, I'd say you better be afraid if you want to live as I could have you killed right now." the man said back. Suddenly, a human woman rushed to his side.
"SIR! We've just finished counting and loading the lost provisions. It seems some were gotten into but for the most part, most of it is still good."
"Excellent!" the man said. "The boys at the main camp will be glad, for they've been rather starving for some more decent food."
"So you feed your "men" bare bones then?" said Coria.
The man then quickly turned towards her saying "You are starting to try my patience whatever you are. I'd suggest keeping your mouth shut or else."
Coria was now mad and started towards him but was very quickly stopped by Veil. "Coria, don't!" she said in a worried tone. "He's right in the fact that we're not in any position to fight..." As much Coria didn't want to be pushed around like this, Veil was right, she wasn't in any position to fight.
With a deep sigh, Coria said "Alright, though I don't like it."
"Looks like at least one of you has common sense", the man then said with a chuckle. "Now, if you'll actually keep quiet, I think I may have a deal for you two"
Coria looked at him in slight surprise, then asked what kind of deal...
Meanwhile, in the Forest Domain of the fox faction, an adult female fox sat on a rather luxurious bed, depressed. She had a somewhat skinny build, with long, flowing brown hair with a large pink flower in it. She wore a green long sleeved shirt that with gold trimmings all over it, a solid green skirt with the same trimmings, and she also had knee high dark green shoes. She had green eyes that shined like emeralds, a white muzzle, and yellow gold fur. Her name was Elsa, and her room was of luxury, for she was the queen of the foxes. With various tapestries, high end rugs and wood dressers, and other items of royalty, it would make most others envious.
However, all this meant nothing, as right now, Elsa had lost something more precious to her than anything in her kingdom. A royal guard then rushed into her room, which Elsa instinctively said, "Have you found her?!".
"No, I'm afraid not." the guard began to say, "But we have found out where she was last seen."
Elsa stared at him with a determined look, then said "Show me...".
Back at the camp, there was no trace. Coria, Veil, the humans, all of them had now vanished.
"Are you sure she came here?"
"Yes, as a seasoned tracker, I'm not wrong"
"Suuuuure..."
"Enough arguing! It's bad enough we were so slow in actually getting a search party but the fact that she just left has sent everyone into a panic!"
A group of wolves, riding in a pig driven wheeled card, pigs that were decided to have better use being used for jobs than rather than food, had arrived to where Coria was last. The cart had red mana lanterns, some spears and bows, and various tools in case the wolves were ever in need of them. The ground where Coria was last had many footprints, too many.
One of the wolves started to panic, saying, "Oh great, some band of whatever got her! We are going to be maimed by Triel now! What are we-"
With a mighty backhand, the search party leader smacked him, telling him to shut up and that the ground had no blood and the dirt was dispersed in a way that there was not much of a struggle, if any.
With their lanterns, they then spotted the footprints going south, which lead them to nearby wheel tracks. The leader then said, "It seems Coria is likely still alive, though perhaps a prisoner now. We must hurry, not just for our sakes, but everyone else's too."
EDIT: As the OP has maxed out on the character limit, ch.7 onwards will be located here now.
@Chapter 6: The revision, I think, is a step in the right direction, although it's still a lot of narrative recap that could have been shown in more characterizing dialog.
@chapter 7: Keep in mind that one of the basic rules of dialog is that you should never have more than one speaker in any one paragraph, so you should break it up whenever a new person talks. This sentence by the human commander makes no sense: ""Seeing your position here, I'd say you better be if you want to live, I could have you killed right now." " One, I think you are missing a word or two after "better be," and two, you have a comma splice between "live" and "I".
I also have a problem with "We are so going to be maimed by Triel." Again, in fantasy language, people don't talk like that, and honestly, I'd like to think most real adults wouldn't either. I would drop the "so".
Good to see the plot starting to advance though. Thanks for posting.
@Chapter 6: The revision, I think, is a step in the right direction, although it's still a lot of narrative recap that could have been shown in more characterizing dialog.
@chapter 7: Keep in mind that one of the basic rules of dialog is that you should never have more than one speaker in any one paragraph, so you should break it up whenever a new person talks. This sentence by the human commander makes no sense: ""Seeing your position here, I'd say you better be if you want to live, I could have you killed right now." " One, I think you are missing a word or two after "better be," and two, you have a comma splice between "live" and "I".
I also have a problem with "We are so going to be maimed by Triel." Again, in fantasy language, people don't talk like that, and honestly, I'd like to think most real adults wouldn't either. I would drop the "so".
Good to see the plot starting to advance though. Thanks for posting.
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