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PostPosted: Thu Feb 27, 2014 8:41 pm 
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 12:39 am 
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Oh my gurd... the computer just ate my response to this.

Sigh.

I will give you the executive summary and say that I loved it. It's a heck of a ride, I think Alessa is a fantastic character, and I look forward to seeing more from her.

I'll try to put the rest of my thoughts back together tomorrow, when I assume I will no longer feel the urge to smash my tablet into little pieces.

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 8:12 am 
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Okay, going to try this one more time. Come on, baby, hold together!

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 5:47 pm 
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Truthfully I was a bit worried that it might be too basic an introduction going through all the moving parts of the character, but I'm happy that you think that works. I'm also pleased that you like both of the ways I used to show how she sees the world, in terms of the skeins and shadows. The action was the hardest thing for me to get right, so that you like it, I feel vindicated in putting so much time into it. It was the worst of the hurdles.

As for the finale, I'm tickled the reference wasn't lost. The wraith's last thoughts were likely "not again" and if we understood why that was, we'd probably understand a great deal more about the multiverse than we do.

I have another story in the brew right now for Alessa that will be a little more plot oriented rather than such a broad showcase. It'll also set up a thread that might be picked up later.


There are two things that I want to add to all this:
The first is, I am really pleased with the title. Titles, for how simple they are, are really hard to get right given how much is going on in the story. I think this one works on a few levels, so it's a plus for me.
Secondly is that with every walker I design, I try and have their spellcasting have a different visceral language to it. I wasn't sure if you picked up on that, but it ties in with the broader themes of the threads of fate and the like that works with her themes.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 28, 2014 10:51 pm 
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Barinellos wrote:
As for the finale, I'm tickled the reference wasn't lost. The wraith's last thoughts were likely "not again" and if we understood why that was, we'd probably understand a great deal more about the multiverse than we do.


Somewhere out there, a whale would be breathing a sigh of relief, except for the fact that it was never summoned into existence in the first place.

Honestly, the only critical reaction I had was at the very beginning, where for reasons that I can't usefully articulate, I felt like it took me a couple grafs to find my footing. Again, not sure why, just an impression. But that dissipated quickly, and by the time she's out of the room she wakes up in, things really pick up and the momentum carries everything forward from there.

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2014 12:42 am 
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Honestly, the only critical reaction I had was at the very beginning, where for reasons that I can't usefully articulate, I felt like it took me a couple grafs to find my footing. Again, not sure why, just an impression. But that dissipated quickly, and by the time she's out of the room she wakes up in, things really pick up and the momentum carries everything forward from there.

In fairness, it took me a couple of paragraphs to work things out. I wanted to hop right into it, because normally I spend a lot of time setting things up and I just wanted it to be different. Get right into her head with some uncertainty in her predicament.

... huh, it might just be really meta now that I put it like that.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2014 7:42 pm 
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Yeah, to be clear, I'm not saying that it's something which needs fixing. Like you mentioned, it actually works at a meta level.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:30 am 
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I'm not what you'd call good at critiques but...

The main gripe I'm having is the mana weaving parts. Is she pulling off her own energy? Did she have to buy certain things to use them with? From the story, all I see is "She can do this because she can". I'm really just saying that it's a thing that feels simply just there, no explaination to it at all.

I will admit that people that can use time in some way or form aren't a common thing in the multiverse from what I know, so props to that.

I will also mention this:
"She glanced around to see what had actually happened to the wraith that had nearly killed her and it took her a moment to realize what she was looking at. A shattered bowl of pale purple flowers was scattered around where the shade had been."
So....the shade was a pot of flowers? Yeah, doesn't make much sense to me.


Well, those are my 2 cents.

P.S. Yes, this does prove that I don't only care about my story. It's just that often times, what I was gonna say ends up already said.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 2:35 pm 
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I'm not what you'd call good at critiques but...

The main gripe I'm having is the mana weaving parts. Is she pulling off her own energy? Did she have to buy certain things to use them with? From the story, all I see is "She can do this because she can". I'm really just saying that it's a thing that feels simply just there, no explaination to it at all.
There's no place for an explanation and it would break the flow of the narrative to try to explain mana.
... Besides, that is how mana works. Yes, it comes from land, but there isn't any meta explanation for why people can draw mana.
Quote:
So....the shade was a pot of flowers? Yeah, doesn't make much sense to me.

It's chaos magic. That happens.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 6:30 pm 
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Oh...Well I figured that about the mana but somehow, the way you showed it in the story, it made me think she was doing something a little different with it.

As for the chaos magic, I didn't quite get at first what you meant but seeing the example, I guess it makes sense now.


See? I told you I'm bad at critiques...

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 03, 2014 6:34 pm 
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Oh...Well I figured that about the mana but somehow, the way you showed it in the story, it made me think she was doing something a little different with it.

It's one of the things I strive to do with each of my walkers. It's important to me to develop a unique sensory language for how they perceive spellcasting and mana. If everyone more or less always thought "I tap this island and visualize that thing going away" it makes for a really bland exploration of what spells are.

By developing a unique perspective for each of my characters and how they interact with mana, it gives them more identity as well as diversifying and expanding the way we as consumers look at it.

My character Raef, for example, feels mana in terms of texture or quality rather than color. It reflects how he perceives the world.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 12:58 pm 
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Okay, I finally shook off my back log of papers to grade and was able to get to this.

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Overall, though, I enjoyed this story, and I look forward to Alessa getting herself into some serious trouble at some point in the futures.


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 2:48 pm 
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 3:14 pm 
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:22 pm 
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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:31 pm 
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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2014 10:51 pm 
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I'm not sure if it's exactly hypocrisy. She makes no illusions about who she is and what she's willing to do.
Yeah, I mean, she's not doing something upstanding, but to answer theft with murder... well, that's overly severe, agreed?
If it was merely her freedom on the line, she wouldn't push that limit, but this IS her life and she knows it.

Her perspective is probably part of the disconnect in this. She knows when her life is threatened and... well, she KNOWS it. She sees her death a hundred times over. It... likely does have an impact on the way she processes things. The way she sees the world is itself circular.

But, we'll see how she works with you in later stories.

I mean, this isn't my finest piece and I'll be the first to admit this, but I wanted to get the character OUT and it probably had an effect on the story since it was just an introduction.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 1:36 am 
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Hrm....
I'm having some issues that I think your discussion has shaken loose.
Chiefly, this was an introduction piece, and not exactly what I feel to be my best work.

The one I'm working on right now is another action piece primarily,too but... I'd rather it mean something more, but I just don't have anything there for it. I don't feel it's the right vehicle to explore some of her other issues, and I worry about wasting another piece on what is still an unsympathetic character.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:36 am 
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Well, hopefully we can get other people to weigh in on this issue. I mean, just because she's unsympathetic to me doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot. For example, I have no sympathy for Caliban from The Tempest, either, and I think a lot of people would disagree with me on that one. So I'd be interested in hearing what other people think.

Orchish and killer?

M:EMbers?

Anyone else?


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PostPosted: Wed Mar 12, 2014 10:52 am 
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Well, hopefully we can get other people to weigh in on this issue. I mean, just because she's unsympathetic to me doesn't necessarily mean a whole lot. For example, I have no sympathy for Caliban from The Tempest, either, and I think a lot of people would disagree with me on that one. So I'd be interested in hearing what other people think.

Orchish and killer?

M:EMbers?

Anyone else?


To me, characters that are unsympathetic, well...It really depends on their actions as a whole. I mean, do they torture and cause misery because it's fun? Do they do it to survive? Is it something else not mentioned?

Also, the severity of said actions affect this. Like, do they want to destroy the world because they think they can do what they want? Also, killing alone is not enough to say "Oh he/she is extremely bad". Like if do they kill because they enjoy the pain of others to a degree of complete evil, or is it mearly justice and things like that?

Yeah I know it probably makes no sense what I said but it's the best I can do for now.

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