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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 6:07 pm 
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The Siege of the Ringpeaks, by razorborne

word count: 1525

this one sort of morphed while I was writing it to become a pretty different story than I'd originally set out to tell, but I'm happy with where it wound up. isn't it fun how that can happen?

:duel:

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 6:42 pm 
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I had no idea centaur politics were so brutal. I do like the way you contrasted the philosophies of Kogoth, Saurim, and Stollik. I can see each of the tribes of the YMtC set reflected here, and that's some impressive consistency in storytelling.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 07, 2015 7:20 pm 
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I do like the way you contrasted the philosophies of Kogoth, Saurim, and Stollik.

thanks. I'm not sure how much this comes across and it's not something I care too much about communicating so if it doesn't then fine, but I sort of look at Saurim and Stollik not as the same thing, but as two sides of the same coin. they have their own goals, and Stollik lost her herd while Saurim's went on to dominate the Isle, but there's a lot of parallels between the two. (in fact, if you go back to the original Kemil thread, Stollik lost her herd to Saurim's. I love when it looks like I planned ahead.) here we see that they were in Spiritsearch at the Temple together, and we also see that they share the same flippant disregard for Kogoth's strict rules and code of honor. they've both left behind the traditions of Kemil, just in different ways, guided by their own circumstances.

again I don't know if that really comes across and I don't super care if it does, but a little insight into how I view my characters.

:duel:

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 4:38 am 
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what's protocol on bumping around here? I'd like to put this up for voting next week but I'd hate to do it with only one piece of feedback.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 9:58 am 
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razorborne wrote:
what's protocol on bumping around here? I'd like to put this up for voting next week but I'd hate to do it with only one piece of feedback.

:duel:

I'm sorry, razorborne (by the way, do you prefer this lower cased like that? I like to use the names people want, so I've been trying not to capitalize it.) Anyway, I somehow managed to miss this one. Bumping these things and asking for more comments is perfectly acceptable, as far as I'm concerned.

I'll try to read this later this afternoon, and give you my thoughts.


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 11:43 am 
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I'm sorry, razorborne (by the way, do you prefer this lower cased like that? I like to use the names people want, so I've been trying not to capitalize it.)
I prefer lower case but it's not a big deal to me. as long as you're spelling it right.

Anyway, I somehow managed to miss this one. Bumping these things and asking for more comments is perfectly acceptable, as far as I'm concerned.
yeah it went up at about the same time as the gauntlet thread so I figured it likely just got missed from that. just wanted to make sure.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:09 pm 
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Okay, I've read this now. I like it, and the thing that really comes across is the stubbornness of centaurs in your world, which I really like. I don't know what the color identity of your various tribes/factions are, but Kogoth feels really to me, although you could certainly argue that the moments are a facet of in the sense of an alpha being challenged.

I think of these three, at least as far as what's been presented here, I'm most inclined to side with Saurim. She seems to have it closest to "right" in my book. This little side war between Kogoth and Stollik seems thoroughly unnecessary, as does not fleeing when about to be surrounded by a such a ridiculously larger force. But hey, to each their own. It probably won't kill more than two thirds of their population or so...

I will say that I was having a hard time figuring out any kind of naming convention with these characters, but I might well be missing something.

I have two language nitpicks with the piece. The first one is minor, but I find the term "under heel" a bit odd for a centaur. Horses do have heels, but I can't help but feel they would use a different turn of phrase. Similarly, I don't know if "ride" is an appropriate term for a centaur. I ran into the same problem when I wrote "Seven Spineless Angels," which features a centaur named Sage. I found I had to come up with other ways to describe his movements, since horses don't ride, but are rather ridden.

Anyway, nitpicks aside, I like the piece and the characters. Thanks for posting, and again, sorry I missed it when it first went up!


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PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2015 5:50 pm 
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Okay, I've read this now. I like it, and the thing that really comes across is the stubbornness of centaurs in your world, which I really like. I don't know what the color identity of your various tribes/factions are, but Kogoth feels really to me, although you could certainly argue that the moments are a facet of in the sense of an alpha being challenged.
yeah you pretty much nailed that. Centaurs as a whole are , and Monks (including Kogoth) are .

I will say that I was having a hard time figuring out any kind of naming convention with these characters, but I might well be missing something.
they're a highly martial race so they get a lot of hard consonants like t and k. not everyone does (notably, Saurim doesn't.) but that's the general vibe. I never went into cultural naming conventions, but the way it works in my head Herdmares claim a surname name when they claim their herds, usually a portmanteau of cool-sounding words like Thundertrail or Nightgrass, and those who follow them use the same surname. sometimes they'll add a "the" for emphasis, like Saurim did, and other times they'll just use it as a last name, like Stollik.

(as an aside, one of the biggest regrets of my commitment to maintain the original source material on Ossia is that I'm stuck with the last name "Arrowhoof". most of the names of the legends are pretty good I think, but that one haunts me. nothing I can do about it, but there's a reason I only used it once in the whole story.)

I have two language nitpicks with the piece. The first one is minor, but I find the term "under heel" a bit odd for a centaur. Horses do have heels, but I can't help but feel they would use a different turn of phrase. Similarly, I don't know if "ride" is an appropriate term for a centaur. I ran into the same problem when I wrote "Seven Spineless Angels," which features a centaur named Sage. I found I had to come up with other ways to describe his movements, since horses don't ride, but are rather ridden.
yeah the ride thing is a little awkward. I mostly tried to replace it with "run" but there were a couple places where that didn't seem right so I left it. I'll think on it, try to find a better option, but "the Cloudfoot will not ride with them" rolls off the tongue really well. on "under heel", I can pretty easily change that to hoof, I did the same thing with "at her feet".

:duel:

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:10 pm 
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I think in the places where I couldn't replace "ride" with "run", I can probably safely replace it with "march". centaurs can march, right?

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:22 pm 
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razorborne wrote:
I think in the places where I couldn't replace "ride" with "run", I can probably safely replace it with "march". centaurs can march, right?

:duel:

Absolutely. They can march like an ape will/may in June.

:huh:

Anyway, yeah, I think "march" works fine.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 16, 2015 12:27 am 
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ok. I'm a little bummed 'cause "t" flows better into "r" than "m" but I'll live.

:duel:

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