I liked this chapter even if it felt a little slow. I feel it was more about Tharandias than Sundar or Dyllyg. It really is feeling like a war there on Kokkinos now, and I like that. I don't think there's a whole lot more I can add.

In this line:

I don't think "planar native" is the appropriate term to use here. It doesn't sound natural. I could maybe see "a native of this plane", but I think just "native" would sound the best among a group of planeswalkers.

With this line:

Again I must say that it tends to break my immersion when real-world measurements come up.

----

One, I love Kahr's reasoning for disliking plains, and two, I lovelovelove Lukas's comeback of "the only reason there's a dragon in the Tall Grass is because we put it there".

----

This line:

I think would work better if a different adverb was used. "Hastily" sounds to me like she was trying to blurt it out in a hurry, but so far what we've seen of Jenah is a sure and steadfast woman. Going into my thesaurus, perhaps "promptly" would work?

----


*narrows eyes at you*
*stares hard*

----

I'll be honest, I found most of this chapter not as engaging as others. It was filled with cute little bits of character, sure, but it's not really filled with as much vivacity as the previous chapters have been. That said, the ending bit with Fisco, Denner, and Antine really had my full attention. It was very much a cliffhanger that had me the next (Post-writing note: I imagine what I meant to write is something like "had me ready to read the next chapter", but I'll be honest, I have no idea what I meant to write here, and it's likely I had to go in a hurry and wrote it like that to remind myself what I meant, but it's been too long since I wrote it to remember.)

In this line:

I don't think the word "mouth" flows that well. It sounds... almost casual, if I'm using the right word? I think either "lips" or "features" would work better.

----

Daneera being a bad liar is another nice little tie-in to her color, and I like it.

----

I'm not really sure how much thought you put into it, but every time you have the characters speak of tactics and battle plans, it feels so real. Maybe not as detailed as a WWII battle, but far from a simple fantasy clash of cool powers.

----


Hadouken!

----

In this line:

Does it need to be both "suddenly" and "without warning"? It seems unnecessary.

----

Morgezka's final reveal was... Very nice, but I feel it lacked a bit of oomph. I think you handled it as well as it could have possibly been done, but I think that, since the focus was on the White Dove side, we don't really get the full sense of scale of the destruction she wreaks. I wouldn't change anything, because, like I said, you handled it well, balancing the long time of the White Dove holding against the Rulus' army against the short paragraph that Morgezka decimates them, but since the focus isn't on the Rulus' army we don't get the full bombastic package I feel we're owed after her buildup.

I love the buildup of what was in Fisco's pocket. The whole time I figured it was a Jakkard gun, and when he finally pulled it out, I really did laugh out loud. It was just such an absurd concept for the situation, but so in-character for Fisco.

The second half of this was... Emotional, for me. I had liked Hokin from before, but I really hadn't expected such a reaction to him getting caught -- both in the sense of how he was approached in the story as well as my feelings toward those events. Well done in every sense. I must also say that I really loved Tharandias in this chapter.

I love how you took to subtly call on all our own planes and stories in Antine's Bogus Journey. I loved the reference to Tears of the Djinn, and if I'm not mistaken he ended up in

Typo?

I believe you meant "which had been through some air of enchantment"?

Typo:

Should be "no food whatsoever".

(Post-note: it appears I didn't finish this overall chapter impression. I hope you don't mind I leave it blank for now, because it has, again, been too long for me to recall what I might have said about it.)

Typo:


Typo:


Seeing the whole of these events through Dyllyg's eyes was a really nice touch. Like Antine, it shows a real human touch that a lot of our characters seem to lack, in that he sees planeswalkers as a massive injustice of life rather than something to covet or aspire to. I'm sure if any of us found out that planeswalkers were real, and that we would never have a chance at joining them, we'd be just as angry at the cosmos.

First I have to say that I think you handled the three sections of this extremely well. Describing Sundar's search felt suitably dark, hopeless, and confusing. The battle scene was quick and dirty, and felt about as disorienting as fighting Huinn would be, and Tharandias's section was heart-touching. Seriously, that last bit hit me in the gut. I liked Tharandias, and had high hopes that he would pull through unscathed. I guess, fate despises dreams.

Grammatical error?
That first half of the sentence reads awkwardly. Maybe you meant "the soldiers stepping ever closer"?

While reading this line:

I'm reminded of a certain dramatic reading I had you listen to...

--------

Again, I think you did an admirable job capturing the battle. It was confusing and heated and fierce and fast, just like it should be. Torbelloxes's and Morgezka's entrances were suitably bombastic, I want to say. And I love the "trap" that was set at the end for the army.(Post-note: Being almost done with chapter 34 at this point, I actually think that the battle scenes in 33 could have been done a lot better, because the shifting perspective in 34 did wonders for allowing me to follow the action.)

Yeah, a lot of this chapter was to cement Tharandias as a significant military threat, and of course to set up events of Sundar's escapades in Part 3. But yeah, having no action in this scene does slow it down in comparison to other chapters.

For "planar native," how about "a local"? I could do that.

I really enjoyed that little exchange between Kahr and Lukas, and I think it served to show that, at this point, Kahr and Lukas were not really a part of the group yet. They were still being cautious with their new "friends."

Grassroots. Hehe.

Part of what I was trying to do with this chapter was to put a little pause in the action, knowing that going into Part Three the action was going to ramp up as we went. But I was very intent on ending Part Two with springing the trap on Fisco, Denner, and Antine in the Amphiseum. To me, that was the perfect close to the section, and I was really happy with how it turned out, so I'm very glad you liked that part!

Daneera's characterization is so matter-of-fact that she's sort of refreshing to write, especially in comparison to some of my characters like Raiker or Nasperge, who are always "up to something." Sometimes, Daneera's green-ness can be a lot of fun!

I try to put a lot of thought into battle tactics and strategy. It's an interest of mine, and I try to do them well. Now, admittedly, as an author I have the distinct advantage of being about to cater everything to my tactics, the ground, the weather, people's behavior, everything. So yeah, Napoleon would still slaughter me in a real battle. But I try to make these things as believable as I can, and in this type of writing, where magic can help me overcome numbers, it makes it that much easier...and fun!

As for Morgezka's reveal, it was certainly a case where the reader was privy to information that many of those soldiers were not, which did undercut the tension. Mostly, this was another of those "if this were a movie" type of scene. I would LOVE to see this scene in a film, with Morgezka bursting out of the Tall Grass like that. Also, Lukas's creep demon wall? AWESOME in a film. Just sayin'...

I'm really glad you liked/mentioned the Fisco's pocket thing. I don't think anyone else mentioned it, and it was one of my favorite things. I, of course, wanted people thinking it was a Jakk gun, and that Fisco is going to threaten Denner and Antine (which he was). But then he pulls out the cigars. I LOVE little misdirection moments like that. So much fun...

In a lot of ways, Hokin was a big surprise to me. He didn't exist in my first draft of the outline, and didn't pop into existence until I sat down to write that chapter with him, Nithka and Atriul. I really like him, too, and I'm honestly pretty proud of that interaction between him and Tharandias at the end. I'm very glad you liked it!

Antine's unfortunate trip through the Multiverse was a challenge to write, but it was certainly a fun one. And yes, he does, in fact, wind up briefly at Dmana's spire of Weather Rock on Carghora. I presume he picked up on some subtle influence from Denner to have been pulled there. Of course, he was also around Fisco, and he did wind up on what may have been a secluded mansion on Innistrad...

As for the typo of "whatever" instead of "whatsoever," "whatever" does actually work there. It is, admittedly, more of a British usage than the more American "whatsoever." I'm not sure why I decided to use it at the time. I think I just liked the sound better.

Thanks for catching those typos. Definite mistakes on my part!

Switching to Dyllyg's point of view at the end of that chapter was another thing I hadn't originally planned out, but just felt like the right thing to do when I got there. Glad it worked!

I see what you did there.

I'll be the first to admit that the decisions for who died and who survived was a difficult one for me, and I can honestly say that at one point or another in this story's development, each one of my characters was considered for termination, some more seriously than others. But Tharandias, sadly, was pretty much fated to die nearly from the beginning. I'm just happy he was able to do something good before he died, and that he was able to die with a sword in his hand, the way he wanted to. Some others were not overly fond of Tharandias as a person, but I sort of liked the old guy, and writing his death was not the easiest thing I've ever done. Still, I felt it was important.

Should definitely be "stepping." Thanks for the catch! And yeah, that line was almost undoubtedly informed from said dramatic reading. It just fit so well with Morgezka.

I enjoy the battle scene in 33, although I do agree that 34 is better. But 34's battle is a more personal thing, in some ways. With Nithka directly involved, and the battle of the angels, it had to be "zoomed in" I suppose you could say. This one is one of those "crane-shot" battles, for the most part. I'm glad it worked at the time, even if it falters in comparison to the next one. Though that does validate my decision to battle in Kokkinos before Lefkos!

While this line works perfectly well as it is, I feel it might flow a little better without that last comma. I don't know whether or not the comma really draws attention to the fact that the boats are wooden, really.

----

I like how the portion describing Antine with the Sabre kind of transitions into his own musings and draws attention to the fact it started digressing. Add to that the way you mention "unreadable human faces" (a quirk that I absolutely love, btw), and it makes for a great character moment.

----


I imagine you meant "as she covered the distance".

Typo:

Should be "our purposes".

----


Again, how do they know? Several moons and no sun, and surely the Covus wouldn't mark passages by "days".

----

My overall impressions were that the stronger portions of this chapter were the character pieces -- Antine and the sword, Fisco and Xeran, Lukas and Fisco, etc. -- and the battle itself was... Well done, I suppose, but not particularly enjoyable. A lot of it seemed to be spent off-screen, as it were, since the big guns were all fighting way above the lake.

Typo?

Shouldn't that be "antechamber"?

----

I kind of dislike that this plane's conquest was truncated, but the character focus more than makes up for it, really. That's about all I think I can really say. Morgezka was great, Daneera was great, Fisco was great, and above all Antine was great.

I don't know what relevance the odd little "see no evil, etc." bit that Antine does at the beginning holds. It all seems kind of natural, but I'm not really sure what to think of it.

----

With this section:

Just to keep the form up, I'd suggest changing one of those "terrified" to something else, like "frightened" or something.

----

Here:

I like the reference, but does that mean that story is somewhere back amid Jakkard's nebulous pre-open-wastes past?

----

It there a reason that this:

Has three "final"s in one sentence?

----

While a lot of the comedy early on when Antine finds himself in the tower made me chuckle, I have to admit that I found some of it a bit grating, particularly when he meets up with Sundar and just goes full retard.

----

While I won't object to this:

I feel it was a bit of a wasted opportunity to say how agonizingly slowly the seconds ticked by, and/or how Antine struggled to control his breathing or heartbeat.

----

I feel you paced this one out rather well. It was a nice slow pace at the beginning, a bit of light comedy as Antine found his way around, then you managed to ratchet up the tension perfectly -- something that I feel was possible mostly because of it being from Antine's perspective -- and then manage a moment of vicarious terror followed quickly by relief and then anticipatory celebration. It was well done, I thought.

----

In this line:

I feel one of those "quick" can be changed to "fast" or "swift".

Typo:

Should be "mortar".

----

There were certain points a bit later on in this chapter, most notably during the clash of colorful Kamehamehas and when the Eight were standing over the Dual-Walkers, that I felt you spent just a little too long on the character's thoughts. I just would get a little sense of

As time kept on pausing for the explanations. Not that I would have it them out, but they went on just enough that I got annoyed.

This is just a personal gripe, but I felt almost cheated by the way this ended. Forty chapters worth of buildup and it ends with a sense of "will we ever see them again?". I find that endings tend to make or break a series for me, and if this stood alone I doubt I'd ever come back to it. Luckily, the M:EN is built to allow and encourage further building from this point, so I can at least see the works set in motion by these events at some point in the future.

In this line:

Does there need to be a comma after "hazy"?

----

I have to say the opening few paragraphs feel like something out of an 80's teen movie, or a "based on a true story" kind of movie, where you get stills of the characters overlaid with text saying what happened to them. It wasn't bad, but it caught me off-guard when you switched back to your normal style.

I must say, though, it really made me feel a hint of pride to see Antine finally come into his own and show some confidence, as well as feeling really gratified that he doesn't need to be alone through the multiverse now.