Two things I'd like to say:

One, that I will definitely get around to reading this and provide you feedback, but as OrcishLibrarian said in the other thread, a combination of busy life and questionable time management has kept me from it as of late. This is spring break for me, but I'm using that to indulge in vidya games and poniwords when I'm not helping take care of animals and relatives.

Two, I would suggest for future creations, that you include a slightly better way of tracking what changes have been made to the edited OP, even as simple as noting what what added/changed in a new post. Personally I'm a fan of changelogs, but I bring it up because over time it's been a little difficult to track what I've already tried reading and what was added in or changed. Keeper needing to ask what changed kind of proves that you need to make these things clearer than you have been. (To be fair, this isn't something I'd hold against you, but it will make your future projects easier to follow.)

Like I promised, my two cents on your edits.

Yes, I can definitely pierce a little more obvious -washing in the narration. Can't wait to see where this goes.

Thanks

Wait, what do you mean goes from here? The plane is built, done! What else is there to write in here? O.o

Stories and such.

Okay, I've finally read this. Sorry it took so long...

I like what you've got here, in terms of worldbuilding but I'm not sold on it as Magic: The Gathering Worldbuilding. The way you have it right now, there's no reason for this to be a Magic plane.

I'm also curious as to how the world itself looks. Is it a flat world? A sphere? Are there continents outside of what you've written down here?

No reason for it to be a Magic plane? I...don't follow

And I imagined the world as a half-sphere, with the flat land and the sky as the inside of the sphere...

Uhm... I'll try to be more clear. There are worlds that can't be anything but Magic planes. Things like Alara or Ravnica are the most obvious examples, but something like Mirrodin or Zendikar would also make a lot less sense if they weren't a Magic plane. Some things (say Lorwyn or Innistrad) could feasibly work as a plane in a different setting or their own setting but Creative put in some effort to make it feel like a Magic: The Gathering world. They do this mostly by tying specific creature types and regions to certain colors or by making use of the planes place in a wider Multiverse.

Your world (and I'd like to say that I really like it as a worldbuilding project) doesn't, really. This could be a completely independent fantasy world and you wouldn't have to change a bit about the world. This isn't bad, in terms of worldbuilding, but it does create a world that doesn't intuitively feel like Magic: The Gathering.

Maybe this is just me. I struggle a bit with assigning colors where no color is made explicit, but I'm not really seeing the specific roles of the individual colors in your world. If you could make this more explicit, I think I might be able to see this world as a lovely M:tG plane.

So regardless of whenever you come back to read this, I want to extend an apology for taking so long to give you some actual feedback on this. Meatspace was hectic for me for the past several months and I've only found the time to deal with the M:EM properly again in these last few days, which I've also just been wallowing in things I couldn't do over the past few months (mostly time-intensive video games).

Secondly, I'd like to say that there are quite a number of typos and grammatical issues that I'd like to see fixed, but that they're superficial, easy to correct, and don't affect my overall opinion of the piece. Anyway, onwards to my notes!



To start off, I'd like to say I think it's maybe inconsistent to say in the History section that the Luthen invasion won because the army was disciplined, but then describe the bulk of the Luthen army as a motley crew of serfs and slaves.

I do like (even if it doesn't make me super-excited) the references to things like 300 and Naruto, though. It does lend a bit of theme toward Luthen.

On that note, I'd like to say that I love that you've given the Luthens almost as much development as Vlastimir. The angle you're going with for the Luthens -- that of a militaristic culture ruled by the folly of nobles -- is as interesting as the angle you went for Vlastimir, as well.

Another fantastic touch is how, in the section on humans as a race, you hint that the world is much larger and more varied than what we're seeing here. That the same is mirrored in the section on myths is great. It kind of makes me want to see what would happen if, out of the blue, another race or races come from across the wastes, or across the sea. How would the people react?

So, this is a great opening for you and I think you've got some great ideas, but there's one thing I'd actually like to see improved. I'd like to see this expanded just a bit, because I have to side with Yxoque in that there's not a whole lot that ties it to the Magic multiverse. What I mean is, maybe talk about the different lands a bit more (like the coastlands) or, if I'm remembering correctly, Valentyn had some military magic schooling, so there's no reason you can't provide a brief overview of the schools of magic even if you don't go deep into the metaphysics of color (i.e. stuff like "the main schools of magic are defensive and offensive spellwork" leading to "defensive spellwork teaches healing and shielding magic").

I'm still around - just been overwhelmed by some things lately! Like figuring out a novel...ahem anyways!

Thank you for the feedback! Working on the typo and minor mistakes now!

Luthen: Disciplined serf/slaves works - it's meant to be an army which is held together through iron fisted rule. The slaves obey the captains to the letter - making them good troops. They will not flee or do anyhting they are not ordered to do. Out of a deeply ingrained fear. Should probably make that more clear.

Magic: RIGHT. I thought the issue involving making this feel more like a plane was including the philosophies and metaphysics of colour. Guess I still suffer from being able to tell exactly how much information is being derived from the written word and my own mind when reading over this stuff >_<

Glad to see you are around, actually. I really do think this is a strong showing that only really needs a few tweaks. I think once you've put the finishing touches on this it will make a fine addition to our roster.

Right, threw together a rough Magic section just above the "Races" section. Probably a bit messy but how do you think I should develop it?