Hey, all. It's my first time really looking around these parts. I'm working on a PW for roleplaying purposes, and was told that it might be best to post what I have so far and then move on based on critique and feedback from the community. This guy is very much in progress, and a lot of details are missing, so...sorry about that. So here goes!
Important Stuff Not About the Dude
Spoiler
This character is being made for a very convoluted type of multiplayer Magic game that my friends and I are designing. He will have an EDH deck that is connected flavorfully, an alignment based on a color-wheel alignment system that I will explain shortly, and his story will evolve both on here, and as I play games with him and update the material based on how the rping plays out. For now it will just be mental updates, as my friends and I are very bad at following through with our grandiose ideas.
The alignment system is shamelessly stolen from Nekomata and will be based on colors instead of the typical Law/Chaos<-->Good/Evil dynamic. The basic breakdown will look like this:
White [0] Blue [-] Black [0] Red [-] Green [+]
Where this character is actively opposed to Blue and Red ideals, neutral to Black and White ideals, and actively supports Green ideals. This will probably, but not necessarily, reflect the main colors of the character. More detail can be used (i.e. "White [-5] This character will go out of their way to violently oppose White ideals") or use more complicated notation that requires deep explanation later ("Blue [+/-] This character is violently conflicted or has strong, diametrically opposed feelings toward different aspects of Blue thinking"). Razael's alignment may shift over time, but I will always use this notation and provide background to explain it.
Razael Nyr is obsessed with power. He especially appreciates when power is expressed as great beauty, elegance, or majesty. Razael knows that information is an incredible source of power. For this reason, he is always seeking knowledge, and rarely sharing it. He wears a hood over his face and refuses to share his name, knowing that an enemy with such information is more powerful. Symmetry, subtlety, complex and careful plans, and awe-inspiring forces are all aesthetically pleasing to him.
Razael both hates and loves chaos. He sees in chaos both the incredible beauty he seeks and fear of something he cannot control. Chaos in small, observable systems is like a fantastical painting on the wall; chaos on a scale that affects Razael is dangerous is frightening. Recklessness is a trait that he has heavy distaste for, as chaos should either be seen from a distance, or understood and tamed.
Razael despises authority, rigid social order, and being controlled. His driving motivation is his personal freedom, and his ability to ensure it with greater power. He constantly wishes to find out if there is a greater power, so that he can overcome it or avoid being enslaved by it. He pushes his own limits, as he believes that limitations to his power are synonymous with limitations to his freedom and individuality. He studies and gathers knowledge to be sure that his freedom is not an illusion, and to take advantage of information and understanding as forms of power. He occasionally reacts violently to societies that oppose this view, though it is unknown whether he does this out of self-righteous justice, or simply personal hatred. Such actions are generally quiet at first, political in nature, and absolutely complete in effectiveness.
Control is something he enjoys as a way of proving his power to himself, using his power practically, and exercising his artistic side in the case of less brutish methods of control such as trickery and complicated plots. However, he does not seek to oppress simply as an end result, and uses his power this way only when it furthers his ambitions or pleases him aesthetically (i.e. pulling off a particularly clever deceit).
He uses all colors of mana, seeing them each as different facets of power, and not as ideals or values. He greatly prefers to use Black and Blue mana, however, as they...feel much more comfortable, and wield themselves in patterns that he understands more easily.
Despite his incredible knowledge and growing strength, Razael is still a young adult. He is intelligent enough to realize that he is not wise, but is still subject to immature ways of thinking and acting on occasion.
(What Will Eventually Be) The Story (But Right Now is a Blank Madlib)
Spoiler
Very little is known about Razael Nyr. He typically wears a hooded cloak, hiding his pale face. He is quiet, neither polite nor ill-mannered, and might be mistaken for a common sneakthief or just a softspoken passerby accustomed to wind and rain and little sun. It is expected that he grew into the universal image of a young man, concerned about freedom and future. At some point in this phase of his life, his authority-bucking and crusade for individuality became a drive for power. He believed that limitations on power were limitations on freedom. Others cannot force you to bend your knee if you are stronger. Others cannot fool you into the slavery of false freedom if you are smarter. Others cannot punish you for disobedience if you are faster. While he appreciated a certain level of reasonable order, he despised authoritarian rule and rigid social structures. His home, while mostly quiet, was such a society. It is not known when he left, or whether he left without acting. But it is known that he left, and began his search for the strength and knowledge that he believed would liberate him.
Most of what is known about Razael is from the present. Having left his home, a hooded man traveled to many different worlds and left behind forgettable gossip about "that strange young man in the cloak". Most of his visits were short, and it is difficult to say what he gained by them. Some stays were more protracted, and locals remember someone asking about ancient legends, powerful trinkets, or near-forgotten spells known by the elders. On two worlds, Razael was apparently angered or disliked his destination; possibly acting out of some calculated self-righteousness, or possibly just demonstrating his power to some unknown observer. These times were usually much longer, much quieter, and ended with empires being not only lost, but forgotten, history preserving some scattered ruins of cut stone. And then, there was the Dragon.
Razael sought power, and he found it. Razael sought majesty, and he found it. Razael sought an embodiment of awe, and in the dragons, he found it. As he travelled, he met many dragons, some incredibly intelligent, and some acting purely on the instinct to kill and burn and eat. He studied all of them. He tamed or allied himself with many of them. He learned names of Dragons that, if the whispers were half-true, he should hope never to meet. And through his studies, he found the Essence of dragonkind, the defining nature of all dragons. He found the name of the Ur-Dragon, and while the power to summon the Ur-Dragon does not exist, he could at least summon a....likeness. A herald of this Essence. And while it is not known where he is now, or where he is going, he may think that this power entitles him to meet those Dragons he was warned of...
Stuff About Me Writing This
Spoiler
I usually have a great time creating characters or writing stories. This character felt to me like someone I needed to make, but once I started, I didn't really...feel him. I don't have any passion about who he is, where he comes from, what he's going to do next. Most of my rp characters feel really important and I fill in their backstory because rping them feels real and emotional. This guy feels like a block of text and a school assignment. I still feel like I need to explore him, and I want to rp him, but I'm having a serious creative block on filling in the details or even getting a feel for how he acts and talks. Any help getting past this or advice on fleshing characters out is really appreciated. And, of course, all critique of the character and writing are welcome and helpful. The writing is not nearly typical of me, as I currently have essentially bullet points instead of a story.
New Stuff About Me Writing This
Spoiler
I'm already feeling a lot better about this guy. Raven really helped, and I guess writing it all out has also helped more than trying to keep it all in my head. If anybody thinks that I should keep the record here of my changes, I will have old stuff saved on my computer. Just ask, and I'll be glad to work it back in, marked as edited or outdated. I still don't know if Razael will fill his intended role, but I feel like I can totally rp him now and connect.
Things I'm thinking about doing: -Short Story giving a LOT more background, probably from Razael's POV or 3rd omni -Maybe a card? Not really what I intended for him. -Maybe brainstorm ideas for a more fitting EDH general as he evolves. If not dragons, maybe something strictly in his colors.
Last edited by serenechaos on Tue Apr 21, 2015 10:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Let me just start off by saying that around here, we have a tendency to critique things based on the philosophies inherent in our Archive, so keep that in mind. The reason I mention this is twofold. Firstly, you've mentioned that this character is primarily for you and your roleplaying group, so some of the things we're inclined to reject will not be as big of a deal where you are using your character. Secondly, one of our primary "rules" as it were is that we try to steer away from canon characters like Nicol Bolas and Ugin. This philosophy, as we have seen in the past, does not easily reflect the trading card game itself, unless you are not using any legend or planeswalker cards.
So, with all that in mind, let me say that in general, I think your character is fine. I would like it if there was a bit more to flesh him out, as a mysterious hooded man who liked power and controlled is a fairly common trope, but none of his personality strikes me as problematic. I think it works within himself. I do wonder, though, what his ultimate goals are. He wants power, cool. Why? Does he want power for power's sake, or is there something specific he hopes to DO with that power? I think finding the answer to that question will help bring him a bit more to life for you.
I have a few more problems with his history, though. You say that he travelled to "different worlds and left behind instantly forgotten gossip." If it was instantly forgotten, if wasn't really left behind, was it? I mean, if another character were trying to track him, for instance, it would be too late. How about something like "strange rumors" or "mostly forgettable gossip" or something? I also have a power-level issue with him. Since the Mending, planeswalkers are strong mages, but they no longer have the power of gods. Besides that, you yourself mention in his write-up that he's young and understands he had limitations to his power and his wisdom. The fact that he can, apparently casually, destroy empires is pretty unbelievable, and besides that, doesn't really do the character any favors. Razael seems to be more about subtlety than outright power, and I would recommend focusing on that aspect of the character.
And as I hinted at earlier, the stuff with Bolas and Ugin is potentially problematic. Razael searching for them, I think, it fine. But this is definitely one area where the card game and the flavor behind it are not in agreement. The fact that Nicol Bolas can be summoned, either as a creature or as a planeswalker, is borderline ridiculous when it comes to Bolas's character. Bolas would only do something for someone if he were getting much more in return, and even then, he would usually just enslave that person to get what he wants. Don't get me wrong, even if this were a potential M:EM character, I'm not sure what you have here would cross that line, but just something to keep in mind.
As for your reaction to writing this, I'm not entirely surprised, to be honest. In my experience, things rarely work out perfectly when you try to shoehorn a character's creation into a pre-existing magic deck. It CAN work, but as you noted, it often feels forced. It is possible that figuring out more of his history or his motivations will help you connect more with your character, but it is also possible that this just isn't really your character. Maybe this character really WANTS to be something else, and you just haven't hit on what yet. It's hard to tell. I suggest playing around with him and seeing if you can find those missing pieces.
Thanks for the feedback, Raven! I completely agree on everything you're saying.
I'll definitely start exploring him more by questioning his motives and reasons for the personality I've written up. As far as why he wants power? My first thought is that he started the typical teenager bucking-at-authority phase, which became a drive for personal freedom. He felt that personal freedom was limited by his limitations, and that the only way to assure his individuality was to be powerful. The more powerful he is, the more freedom he has and the more certain he is that his freedom is not an illusion.
I feel that a few finer points here may have been the result of my sloppy writing. I did not mean to imply that he simply went all Fireball up in they bidness, yo. More like....he destroyed the reigning empires (because they were too "White"), probably over a long period by orchestrating things behind the scenes, and left them not only gone but mostly forgotten. I can clean that up to be much clearer about my intent. I made the same sloppy implications with the phrase "instantly forgotten gossip". I was picturing this from the locals' POV, and "instantly forgotten" did not mean to imply "forgotten forever". Just that, from the local perspective, they were saying "Hey, did you see that guy?" "Oh, yeah, I did. What's the weather going to be tomorrow?" and didn't think any more about it. If someone were following him, the townsfolk would still be able to recall him with some thought, he just didn't leave much of an impression.
I'll try to be careful about setting up plot lines with canon characters. I tried to set up a vague thread connecting Bolas, because the nature of our multiplayer game will be to chase a big baddie and Bolas seemed like a natural choice. I tried to keep it vague so that it doesn't have to happen.
I feel like the problem is very much a shoehorning problem, but as a sort of...disconnect. When we started talking about the game setup, I knew immediately that I wanted to play a Scion of the Ur-Dragon EDH deck. As I had that thought, the image of the walker tied to it came to my mind but I had trouble expressing him, even to myself. I knew what I wanted, but not how to make it real and it started to get hazy as I tried to force words onto it that I thought were "close enough". I feel a little bit better about him after reading your feedback and thinking on things a bit, but there might be a lot of shifting around and re-learning before I'm completely comfortable.
I will try to keep in mind what you've said, and as soon as I have more time to type (I realize I'm being pretty verbose, but I'm actually a bit rushed right now ^^;;) I'll try to correct the problems you've raised. Thanks again!
@serenechaos: Okay, well that explains his interest in dragons, which I didn't mention, but did seem a little out of character from what you establish about Razael. Dragons (Tarkir nonsense notwithstanding) are traditionally grounded in , as you know. They also tend to be very chaotic. And, with Razael disliking chaos on the grand scale (pun), I found it odd that he would be drawn to dragons.
So, I would suggest that while I think this character definitely has some potential, he might not be the character you want for a Scion of the Ur-Dragon deck. I could be wrong, though. You might be able to work it out.
Joined: Aug 04, 2014 Posts: 1452
Identity: human
Preferred Pronoun Set: he
I'm not a huge fan of this character but only because he reminds me of me.
Other than that, you are quite eloquent in speech. I would be interested in seeing a short story from u(not necessarily from this character, but rather one that you feel good about!)
Something I also enjoyed was the color alignment u used. It was very clear and expressive.
Despite dragons being quite large, I don't really think they fall into the grand scale I was referring to. That's more like....massive world events, random happenstances with huge impacts, or very extreme cases of luck (good or bad). Dragons are....contained. A single dragon can be tamed, controlled, used as a minion, or, for the very intelligent dragons, negotiated with as an ally. This is the type of chaos that Razael sees as raw, undirected power with beautiful but unpredictable sub-patterns a la Chaos Theory. He can observe and subdue this dragon without a tiny miscalculation throwing his entire world into scattered randomness. Thus, dragons embody power, majestic aesthetics, and chaos in a form that Razael appreciates. They check all of his boxes, so to speak.
His fear of their chaotic nature while trying to maintain all of them might come into play later; perhaps the thought of summoning too many dragons at once makes him nervous, or maybe he tries to be overcalculating with them and doesn't take into account the cumulative chaos effect of looking at hundreds of dragons at once.
As I discuss and fix the concerns being brought up, I am thinking much more deeply about Razael and feeling much better. He may or may not eventually appoint the Scion of the Ur-Dragon as the General of his army, but I hope to keep him anyway and continue developing him.
@Lunar: Thank you very much! I sort of pride myself on my writing ability, possibly too much ^^. I occasionally like to tell ego stories of myself, such as the time that I wrote a 2-page award-winning essay as my teacher was taking up everyone's papers, or the time I wrote a perfect score Essay in the last half hour, and my teacher scolded me for breaking every rule with so much style that she couldn't take points off, and told me never to do it again. I don't usually do as well with fantasy, but I will certainly try since you express such interest and support =)
The alignment system is something I absolutely love. Nekomata-sensei conceived it in Magic General and I expanded on it slightly here. It is simultaneously very helpful in understanding a character, and very open as you can explain the same alignment in a million very different ways and add a great deal of depth.
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, as you know. They also tend to be very chaotic. And, with Razael disliking chaos on the grand scale (pun), I found it odd that he would be drawn to dragons.