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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 4:49 pm 
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Yes!!!

I love it when characters are described as being in motion rather than just standing around (as... may be obvious from my own writing) so that was great to read and visualize.


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PostPosted: Sun Jul 20, 2014 11:11 pm 
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Figures you post this just as I take a break :P

I'm why we can't have nice things.

I hope you had a nice break!


I like this a lot, of course. Although I also feel, like some others have mentioned, that maybe Astria's dialogue could use some polish.

Thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

Yeah, consensus appears to be that she needs a little more verve. I have to think about what I'm not seeing when I'm imagining her half of the exchange.


The Shifter is fascinating. I love how both the Missing Pieces exude inhumanity in subtly different ways... like if I had to describe it I'd say the Duchess is artificial while the Shifter is false, if that makes sense as a distinction.

It totally makes sense to me. In my mind, he's kind of like a very good counterfeit bill. He looks correct, but you can tell something is wrong about him based on feel, even if you can't quite place what it is.


Poor Beryl just keeps getting sucked in deeper, doesn't she? :(

She does. :(

And I'm afraid that we're not quite at the deep end just yet.

I will say, by way of a cheerier thought, that I have faith in her ability to swim.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:13 am 
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So... Jackie and Fisco are working together on Jakkard, Beryl owes Fisco a favor, Shifter and (likely) Duchess have a presence on both Jakkard and Beryl's plane, Alessa ran into Shifter, and OL hinted at the possibility of Mel Odrum running into Jackie, while Barinellos hinted at him running into Duchess.

I'm sensing a major crossover event here. :)

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A Phyrexian Story
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10366646/1 ... od-and-Oil


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 11:42 am 
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...I feel like I just watched President Obama adjust his human mask over his reptilian head as he exited the Illuminati meeting on the site of the fake moon landing inside Hollow Earth.

How deep do the tendrils go!?

HOW DEEP DO THE TENDRILS GO!?!?!


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 12:17 pm 
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Thanks, Obama.

I can't believe you guys cracked the code.

Please, just sit still and remain where you are. Do not attempt to don your tin foil hat, or to start a (poorly-Xeroxed) newsletter. Black helicopters will be arriving at your location shortly.

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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:21 pm 
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Moonbeam wrote:
So... Jackie and Fisco are working together on Jakkard, Beryl owes Fisco a favor, Shifter and (likely) Duchess have a presence on both Jakkard and Beryl's plane, Alessa ran into Shifter, and OL hinted at the possibility of Mel Odrum running into Jackie, while Barinellos hinted at him running into Duchess.

I'm sensing a major crossover event here. :)

Alessa ran into the Duchess. But yeah, that's about how it goes.
Or does it!?
...I feel like I just watched President Obama adjust his human mask over his reptilian head as he exited the Illuminati meeting on the site of the fake moon landing inside Hollow Earth.

How deep do the tendrils go!?

HOW DEEP DO THE TENDRILS GO!?!?!

We are at war with Eastasia. We have always been at war with Eastasia.
The Tendrils are there for your safety.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:34 pm 
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They're like guardrails, there to protect us from falling!

Slimy, madness-inducing guardrails.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:36 pm 
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They're like guardrails, there to protect us from falling!

Slimy, madness-inducing guardrails.

Hey! I wash those regularly! I can assure you they are not slimy.
Fiery, sure, but not slimy.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:41 pm 
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Oh.

I really wish I hadn't tried to use one as a guardrail just now.

Ouch ouch ouch ouch can someone call an ambulance please


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:46 pm 
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I would, but phones melt when I try to use them.

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At twilight's end, the shadow's crossed / a new world birthed, the elder lost.
Yet on the morn we wake to find / that mem'ry left so far behind.
To deafened ears we ask, unseen / "Which is life and which the dream?"


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:47 pm 
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I called an ambulance, their tires whine,
The sirens wail, (poor Penelophine.)


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 8:58 pm 
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I didn't get that until I realized that I've been pronouncing her name wrong.


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PostPosted: Tue Jul 22, 2014 9:10 pm 
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I didn't get that until I realized that I've been pronouncing her name wrong.

As far as my character's names go, I usually say "pronounce them how you like." I pronounce her name "pə-ˈne-lə-fīn" (Pe-NE-lo-fine), but you should feel free to pronounce her name in whatever way feels natural to you.


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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2014 11:06 pm 
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I experimented with some tweaks to Astria's dialog and demeanor, just to see if I can get her to pop a little bit more in the places where people thought she read a little flat. Hopefully it's an improvement, and not a case of more being less.

Astria/Beryl encounter, revised

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