First off, the name of the plane is silly because I just needed to name a homeplane for one of my walkers in the contest, and I didn't think I'd ever actually go back and flesh out the world. But here we are, and I present my first draft basic outline for critiques and suggestions:
Tyrla is a plane of abundance. The rich soil, numerous rivers, and stable mild climate ensures that everyone has what he needs. Of course, that does not mean that Tyrla is a peaceful plane. But on Tyrla, battles are not fought over resources, but over ideas. Be it elven politicians, vedalken scholars, or dwarven artisans, everyone has a bone to pick. And while they do not have much need for standing armies, the nations of Tyrla have more than enough conflict within themselves.
Themes
Tyrla examines every sapient being's desire for conflict and self-realization, even when being provided with everything they need. It explores different sources for conflict, and how those conflicts might take shape when other conflicts such as food and living space are removed from the equation.
Geography
Tyrla is a very pleasant place. There is lush growth everywhere, and plenty of fruits and vegetables grow naturally in every season. There are two major known continents, separated by an ocean. In the middle of the ocean there is a group of islands inhabited by the vedalken. The eastern continent is covered in forests, which turn into mangrove swamps around the deltas of the many rivers. The western continent is mostly grassland, split apart by a chain of mountains. Here too there are many rivers, keeping the continent cool and green. The mountains are rich with metals and various valuable minerals, which the dwarves mine and use.
Humans show up in all colors. Each non-human sapient race is primary in one color with bleed into two others. However, I have decided to ignore the usual shard/wedge model, so beware:
Elves
The elves are a proud race, with a long and rich history. Every elf can trace his lineage back through generations, and usually will waste no time before telling you exactly which prominent statesman they are related to. The elves live and breathe politics, and the most important mark of your identity is your party affiliation. An elf choosing to change to a party different than their parents is grounds for being disowned. As elves have such long natural lifespan, the only way to remove an especially skilled orator from an opposing party is often assassination. Because of this, the majority of elves who aren't directly involved in the courts are either poisonmakers, healers, assassins, or bodyguards.
Vedalken
The vedalken keep mostly to themselves in their small island nations. Their main goal is the pursuit of knowledge. Their different universities are in fierce competition, and it is not unusual for research teams to sabotage each other or falsify research to get ahead. It is also common for students to prove their progress in the magic arts by playing pranks on competing campuses. These pranks are naturally always performed methodically and carefully, just as anything the vedalken do, but that doesn't mean they are harmless. Although vedalken are not quick to anger, they are quite capable of letting conflicts escalate beyond control. In their defense, each reaction is arguably proportionate to the action which prompted it, with an error margin of 7%. They usually err close to the top of those 7%, but that isn't really a crime, now is it?
Dwarves
The dwarves strive towards perfection in all they do. However, they do not seek it for personal glory. Instead, each person involved in a successful project is equally respected. They know that a sword cannot be forged well without well-extracted ore, well-heated forges, and well-cooked, nutritious food for the smith. In the same way, a musical solo depends as much upon the composer, the background musicians, and the instrument makers as it does upon the soloist. However, this mentality also means that everyone involved in a failed project is disgraced. Thus, a dwarven craft-master always chooses his team very carefully, and if a dwarf cannot find a position in any crew, he or she will usually have no choice but willing exile into the mercenary army. This is a dwarf's final chance to prove that they can be part of something great. And as the honor of being part of a successful group is more important than anything else to a dwarf, dwarven mercenaries are always willing to give up their lives to help the group finish their mission.
Orcs
While the dwarves value the group above else, the orcs focus instead on the glory of the individual. Some vedalken scholars have suggested that this stems from their millenia-long conflict with the dwarves, which have made them purposefully develop in an opposite direction from their rivals. While the details have been lost to history, it is known that the orcs used to live among the mountains until a conflict with the dwarves drove them away several centuries ago. Deciding to leave the place of their defeat behind, they built crude boats and crossed the sea, where they found the uninhabited mangrove swamps, and settled in isolation. Even now, they are the smallest in number of the sapient races on Tyrla, but they make up for it in personal strength. Once they had settled, the orcs decided that they would never lose another home. Ever since, it has been considered the duty of an orc to seek to excel at personal combat. Most orc fathers will not let their daughters marry unless the suitor brings him the body of a grown swamp snake, at least 9 feet long. Many will not even accept that, if the snake has any weapon marks on it, demanding that the suitor kill it with his bare hands.
Leonin
While most of the inhabitants of Tyrla are religious to some extent, the leonin are the only ones who regularly makes faith a part of their everyday life. Unfortunately, they are notoriously incapable of agreeing about anything in their religion. Most everyone believes that Tyrla was formed by the All-Creating Couple, a divine pair which shaped the world and set guidelines for its inhabitants to follow. Among the leonin, however, there has been a schism over which of the two creators is the primary deity to be venerated. The Hach tribe worships the All-Mother, and is a matriarchy, while the Roch tribe follows the All-Father, and is a patriarchy. At least that is the basic division. However, each tribe is further split over various questions, and each of those factions is also further divided. For each division, they add another name to the tribe. The currently smallest tribe is the Hach-Tec-Fir-Bel-Noth-Lan-Zer-Koh-Den-Mar-Ten-Bar-Vid-Ehr, but they are having some intense debate over whether it is allowed to eat birds of prey or not...
Humans
Although the humans are one of the most numerous of the sapient races, they are also the least prolific, without any specific area to call their own. Many settle among the other races, becoming part of the culture they live in. Others are nomadic, making their living as traders or bandits. Many of the nomads are bitter about not having a proper home for their people, which is why they do everything they can to amass riches in order to buy land. However, for many of them, the riches have become a goal in itself, and even when they would be able to settle down and provide for their families, they find themselves unwilling to give up the life they know.
Now that this poll is officially over, it's time to congratulate Aaarrrgh for designing Hill, which has been decided by popular vote to be the Card of the Month for October 2013!
Last edited by Aaarrrgh on Sun Oct 06, 2013 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
You might need to rework your mana-tags. Using [noparse][/noparse] works best.
Notes as I read through it:
Premise is fine.
Elves don't feel Blue. They don't in general, but here there's nothing making them Blue at all. Maybe expand on that.
I would do away with the "7%" thing. It just stands out. Maybe rewrite that bit.
I feel like the Blue in the Dwarves can be replaced by Green. That, to me, seems to fit their holistic worldview better.
Orcs sound fine, best color-to-race combination so far. I would be wary of using two "non-standard" races on one plane. Is there a specific reason you're using Orcs?
How important, exactly, is religion on this plane? How does it influence the world? Are the myths true?
Why totalitarian matriarchy vs semi-democratic patriarchy. I won't get into feminist critiques on this idea (although I could), but why this choice? Doesn't really fit the way lions work, which would be opposite of this.
I don't think the joke of the long tribe names works for a plane. This would be genuinely, incredibly funny in a story and it's very Pratchett-esque, but for a plane, it doesn't really work.
How successful is being land for Humans? Have they carved out their specific piece of the plane? How come they haven't had a homeland, if the plane is so incredibly rich in everything.
I'm not really seeing how the abundance plays a role in this plane. I expected a plane of huge empires who would decide enemy and ally by the power of oratory skills. Where great military leaders were known for their speeches and physical strength as much as their tactics. Where dozens of conflicting ideologies are constantly in flux. But I'm not seeing it here. Your premise has potential, but your descriptions aren't really living up to that.
How do the different races interact?
_________________
"I'm all for screwing with the natural order. The natural order objectively is awful. The natural order includes death, disease, pain, and starvation." --Sam Keeper
Elves don't feel Blue. They don't in general, but here there's nothing making them Blue at all. Maybe expand on that.
I was thinking that the political intrigue makes them blue. The assassinations are the black part.
Quote:
I would do away with the "7%" thing. It just stands out. Maybe rewrite that bit.
This, as well as some other things, are just little jokes that put in, and am not planning to keep in the finished version of the play. Mostly filler. It will be rewritten
Quote:
I feel like the Blue in the Dwarves can be replaced by Green. That, to me, seems to fit their holistic worldview better.
I came from the point that the perfection was blue, and the community focus was white. Also, I wanted to keep the colors equal (primary in one, secondary in two), so changing this would require me to switch a green to a blue elsewhere.
Quote:
Orcs sound fine, best color-to-race combination so far. I would be wary of using two "non-standard" races on one plane. Is there a specific reason you're using Orcs?
I actually originally picked orcs because none of the standard black races fit the concept I wanted. And then the orcs ended up fitting perfectly to how I wanted my black race to be.
Quote:
How important, exactly, is religion on this plane? How does it influence the world? Are the myths true?
As I mentioned, religion is pretty casual to everyone but the Leonin. It is more of a general belief than an active religion for most. As for if it's true or not, I haven't actually decided yet, and I don't know if it's really important. After all, if I make actual decisions about that, i would have to decide which of the Leonin factions is right, and I'd rather have them be equals.
Quote:
Why totalitarian matriarchy vs semi-democratic patriarchy. I won't get into feminist critiques on this idea (although I could), but why this choice? Doesn't really fit the way lions work, which would be opposite of this.
I threw the Leonin writeup together quite quickly, and I just threw some things in there without thinking too much about it. This critique is very valid, so I'm just going to scrap that part for now, and then revisit their exact systems of government later.
Quote:
I don't think the joke of the long tribe names works for a plane. This would be genuinely, incredibly funny in a story and it's very Pratchett-esque, but for a plane, it doesn't really work.
This was mostly another joke that I wasn't planning on carrying over to the final version, but I don't think there's anything wrong with the basic concept as long as I keep it to three or maybe four splits. This is very much built on real-world church splits, where a guy will form the "True Redeemed Holy Lord of All Church" after a disagreement with the leaders of the "Original Redeemed Holy Lord of All Church". Trust me, it happens.
I have answers for the rest of your questions too, but it's late and I have to go. Will get back to you soon.
Now that this poll is officially over, it's time to congratulate Aaarrrgh for designing Hill, which has been decided by popular vote to be the Card of the Month for October 2013!
My critique on the colors stems, I think, mostly from the fact that the descriptions are rather brief. After fleshing them out, I might have less objections.
But political intrigue really doesn't strike me as necessarily Blue.
_________________
"I'm all for screwing with the natural order. The natural order objectively is awful. The natural order includes death, disease, pain, and starvation." --Sam Keeper
How successful is being land for Humans? Have they carved out their specific piece of the plane? How come they haven't had a homeland, if the plane is so incredibly rich in everything.
I hadn't actually thought too much about that. Actually, I think I might add a third continent, which has a much harsher climate and is generally unfriendly. And that's where the Humans are originally from. Maybe it used to be as nice and hospitable as the rest of the plane, and then something messed it up, and the Humans sought out another place to live. By then the other races were all firmly established in their respective areas, and so the Humans just kept moving.
Quote:
I'm not really seeing how the abundance plays a role in this plane. I expected a plane of huge empires who would decide enemy and ally by the power of oratory skills. Where great military leaders were known for their speeches and physical strength as much as their tactics. Where dozens of conflicting ideologies are constantly in flux. But I'm not seeing it here. Your premise has potential, but your descriptions aren't really living up to that.
Well, I came at it from a different direction. I worked from the idea that once you have what you need, there are very few reasons for major conflicts. As in, they don't really have standing armies, because they don't really have a reason to do war. I was kinda tired of WotC introducing a new plane every year and having it torn to pieces by a world-wide conflict. This plane focuses on petty, unnecessary conflicts instead. Does that make sense?
Quote:
How do the different races interact?
They are usually friendly with each other (with the exception that a lot of Orcs don't like Dwarves), and there is a lot of trade between the cultures. There is usually more conflict between members of a single race than between the races.
[Also, this is my 100th post on these boards! Go me!]
Now that this poll is officially over, it's time to congratulate Aaarrrgh for designing Hill, which has been decided by popular vote to be the Card of the Month for October 2013!
People don't have conflict for the sake of conflict. I don't think that has ever happened in human history. From your introduction, you made it seem like the conflicts on this plane where about ideas and ideologies and not recourses. And to be honest, I found that very interesting, because you don't actually see that very often in our world (it might come across as that, but generally speaking, it's about recourses). In my opinion, that's what you should focus on.
And if you continue that idea, the races will have more animosity between them, because that's where the breaklines will be.
_________________
"I'm all for screwing with the natural order. The natural order objectively is awful. The natural order includes death, disease, pain, and starvation." --Sam Keeper
Joined: Sep 22, 2013 Posts: 5699 Location: Inside my own head
Identity: Human
I'd like you to know that I started reading this before, got stopped, and have it on my "things to get to when I'm fluffing off" list, so it's possible I might get around to giving some feedback before the things that are actually more important.
I am intrigued, but will hold off saying anything until I have properly read through everything.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot post attachments in this forum