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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 10:53 am 
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Sup?

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Last edited by Heliosphoros on Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:28 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 11:38 am 
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Sup?

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You may want to go back through this one as some of your word choices seem...off. It's almost like you typed this up on a mobile device and the auto-correct had a field day swapping what you meant to say in some places with words that were very close but not quite the same.

Also, I was really expecting something more akin to Forced Worship at the end.

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You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in an thread with GM_Champion" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against AzureShade when card design is on the line!"


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 12:36 pm 
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Yes please critique me I beg


As you said yourself, it is very short. But I think it works at that length, because of the absurdity of the subject matter. I'm not entirely sure if Eldrazi even have skulls, but that's not really important. I really want to know more about the box and what it did, as it felt slightly Deus Ex Machina, but I don't have any clear idea of how to make that work, as the POV character doesn't know anything about it either. Overall, I really liked it.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 1:12 pm 
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AzureShade wrote:
Sup?

Spoiler
You may want to go back through this one as some of your word choices seem...off. It's almost like you typed this up on a mobile device and the auto-correct had a field day swapping what you meant to say in some places with words that were very close but not quite the same.

Also, I was really expecting something more akin to Forced Worship at the end.


I fixed a few things. Can you point the rest?

I had that idea, and I even thought about including the picture, but I felt like her ultimate fate had to be more pathetic, which isn't quite conveyed in the art for Forced Worship.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 3:06 pm 
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I fixed a few things. Can you point the rest?

I had that idea, and I even thought about including the picture, but I felt like her ultimate fate had to be more pathetic, which isn't quite conveyed in the art for Forced Worship.

Here are some suggestions:
Spoiler

Also, I find I'm craving a bit more explanation about the shapeless blob that she is apart of. Is it mobile? Or is it just a massive mound of flesh and metal that it sitting somewhere out on the Mirran landscape, writhing and moaning.

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magicpablo666 wrote:
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in an thread with GM_Champion" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against AzureShade when card design is on the line!"


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:29 pm 
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Done, aside from compleation, because that's how the phyrexian proccess is spelled.

It's an imobile thing on Mirrodin's surface, indeed writhing and moaning for all eternal history.

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:46 pm 
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Done, aside from compleation, because that's how the phyrexian proccess is spelled.

Huh. The MtG Wikia has it differently...

Quote:
Once a Newt emerges, it is usually put through the process of Completion, wherein most of its normal body parts are removed and given mechanical replacements. Organic weapons like stingers and venom sacs are often implanted as well.

Many Phyrexian soldiers are Completed so thoroughly that they no longer resemble humans in the slightest. Generally speaking, the most heavily modified Phyrexians are also the most highly regarded, because destructive capability is valued above almost all else. For proof of this, look at the Phyrexian General, Tsabo Tavoc.


...but it may just be an error on their part.

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magicpablo666 wrote:
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in an thread with GM_Champion" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against AzureShade when card design is on the line!"


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:51 pm 
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Well I can't see any text at all on that entry but yeah the "real" spelling is incorreact.

Azure, you going to join next round?


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 4:55 pm 
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I kind of want to but I don't know if I have the steam for a short story. We'll see what cards show up for round two.

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You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in an thread with GM_Champion" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against AzureShade when card design is on the line!"


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 6:11 pm 
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AzureShade wrote:
I kind of want to but I don't know if I have the steam for a short story. We'll see what cards show up for round two.

I initially considered (and I feel Keeper wouldn't object to it) writing a poem. I may do that for the next round because I find writing out what popped into my head for the prompt is both hard and, I feel, ending up as bad writing. I'm going to try and finish it so that I at least have an entry for this round, but I'm not liking what I have.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 7:53 pm 
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Yeah it should be pretty obvious that I'm open to some level of experimentation here.


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 8:01 pm 
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AzureShade wrote:
I kind of want to but I don't know if I have the steam for a short story. We'll see what cards show up for round two.

I initially considered (and I feel Keeper wouldn't object to it) writing a poem. I may do that for the next round because I find writing out what popped into my head for the prompt is both hard and, I feel, ending up as bad writing. I'm going to try and finish it so that I at least have an entry for this round, but I'm not liking what I have.

~scoff~ Yeah, like anyone writes Magic-themed poetry. It would never work...

:D


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PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2015 8:05 pm 
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Aaarrrgh wrote:
Yes please critique me I beg


As you said yourself, it is very short. But I think it works at that length, because of the absurdity of the subject matter. I'm not entirely sure if Eldrazi even have skulls, but that's not really important. I really want to know more about the box and what it did, as it felt slightly Deus Ex Machina, but I don't have any clear idea of how to make that work, as the POV character doesn't know anything about it either. Overall, I really liked it.


How I imagine it, once the box is open, it can kill nearly anything, but it is incredibly hard to open. It takes immense amount of mana and mindpower to figure out.

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 12:26 am 
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Bluh. I finished.

Something something spiders are icky


Be merciless. I am a grown man and therefore have no emotions other than hunger.


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 12:34 am 
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Be merciless. I am a grown man and therefore have no emotions other than hunger.

[Bender]"Yeah, emotions are dumb and should be hated..."[/Bender]


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:04 am 
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:55 am 
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Be merciless. I am a grown man and therefore have no emotions other than hunger.

Quote:
Eager to show his strength and dedication to her, Hans had been tracking one of the Great Beasts of the forest. It was a devilishly difficult thing to find, but Hans would not let himself be bested. The Great Beast would be his, and then, the lady Eddel.

It seems odd that this is how we learn her name, right before he then uses it to say good morning to her. I think it should have been slipped in more naturally somewhere further up in the beginning of the story introducing her.

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magicpablo666 wrote:
You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in an thread with GM_Champion" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against AzureShade when card design is on the line!"


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 12:12 pm 
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Zachari Lavar: "I grow weary of this 'writing' phase, especially since the winner is a foregone conclusion. I've already slipped the judge several boxes of rare chocolates and a vintage Scandinavian metal album."

Seriously though, stories are looking good, folks. I'm a fan of at least two of these... I'll let you decide which. ;)

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 1:22 pm 
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I'm going to guess that one of them is Gift of Orzhova...

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PostPosted: Tue Nov 17, 2015 2:03 pm 
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Well, there are upvotes on It That Betrays, Gift of Orzhova, and Caged Sun so I'm going to make a guess out of that.

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The Accursed, a standalone young adult fantasy adventure.
Witch Hunters, book one of a young adult Scifi-fantasy trilogy.


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